My Life as a Mommy and Wife pt 2

So I sit here hating my life at the moment.....yeah I seem to be up and down lately.  I feel like a single mom only I have the luxery of being a stay at home mom to my 6 wonderful children.  Where the stress comes in is my Usually wonderful husband doesn't feel the need to put his family first (in my eyes).  He feels he is putting his family first because he works to support the household and allow us the freedoms and luxeries we have.  Ok he works 5 hrs a day MAYBE.  On a busy day he is going non stop and yet other days he may not work but an hr....and this is 7 days a wk.  Heck we have even had weeks where he has had a day or 2 with NO work at all....but the need to be involved at home NEVER occures to him.

We have 6 kids between 3 schools.  I spend 2 days a wk at the counciler with 2 of the kids.  Well each goes once.  We deal with anger and depression among many other things.  To do this running takes approx 2 hrs out of any type of schedule I could possibly have.  We have one who recantly we need to device a whole new meal plan for him...this ought to be fun.  No red dye and no sugars....it is very hard to find anything that does NOT contain one of those two ingrediants.  I have laundry and house cleaning, dishes and you name it to do for 6 in the house...this is on top of the fact that I do the grocery shopping, pay the bills, and well literally ANYTHING that does not involve Mike's work... I do it.  I take the kids shopping when needed I take them to bday parties anything that comes up I am the one who does it.  I am on a time limit with everything I do.  I can be out trying to find something one of the kids needs and I just might get a call from Mike asking when I am gonna be home cause he has a call and needs to leave.   I can never just do anything that needs to be done.

Today prime example....I need to go shopping for Brandon and I need to get some storage containers.  I asked Mike at 11 am if he was busy cause I had stuff that I needed to do and Ren needed her nap.  He said he was waiting on a call and he was gonna need to head up to Sturgis.  Well I fed the kids lunch and attempted to do the running that needed to be done....yeah what fun Ren was a complete pain in the butt and made the whole thing miserable so I just went back home...accomplishing NOTHING and guess what it is 3 pm and Mike still has NOT received his phone call 4 hrs later and I couldn't go do what I needed to because he might have to work.  I could have done what I needed to do, Ren could have had her nap and I could still have taken Brandon and Ren with me to get the girls from school...but of course instead NOTHING gets done because....Mike's clients come first.  How fucking rediculas.  I get tired of putting my life on hold for his work.  He never says NO and he never puts me and the kids first....when is he gonna learn that MONEY does NOT make his family happy his time does.  I should NOT have a schedule 100% of the time I leave the house.  He can tell his clients NO or ask them to wait.  We will not die if we lose one call.

He couldn't tell you anything that goes on with the kids because he is not involved.  He knows nothing of what goes on at counciling.  He couldn't tell you anything about Brandon's new diet.  He does not pay any attention to anything that goes on with US but he can tell you the life fucking stories of those he deals with for work.  Really fucked up if you ask me.  I can tell him things until I am blue in the face and 5 min later he won't have a damn clue what I told him no matter how important what I told him is.

Another example I was mad at him for screwing up my day once again...he asked me to help him clean.  I said no so he sat in a chair and fell asleep.  He will not do anything on his own though I clean all the time while he sits on his butt watching tv, playing with his phone, or at the computer. 

There is NOTHING about our Marriage that is a marriage.  The really sad part is I am not here for us anymore.  I feel no connection to him.  I am only here as to not destroy the lives of 6 kids.  I feel no physical attraction.  I have no interest in sex...it is just one more "job" to do.  I don't even really fully enjoy it when we do have sex.  Part of me is asking in my head if it's over yet.  All I want to do when I go to bed is sleep.  I don't want to make time for small talk, touching, cuddling or anything else that follows in the bed...I don't even want to be touched when I am awake let alone in bed.  I feel like I am just going through the motions and if something doesn't give then I need to leave.  This is not fair to me or to him.....but I am falling out of love and I hate my life.  I used to get all giddy thinging about him and us and our family and life and now all I feel is blank and empty.

I don't feel like a wife.  I feel like I am nothing more than a caregiver to the children, someone to tend to everything else, and a warm body in the bed.  I don't want his money.  I just want to be happy and this is not doing it because he lives his life around what makes him money and not his kids or his wife.  How do I fix it before it's too late?

Hot Topic

So I sit here and think about all the things that irritate me and you know what?!  It really doesn't matter....no one cares about how I feel or what I think they only really take time to think about them and how what I think or how I feel about something only really inconveniences them.  Though they would not word it that way much less admit any of it is true.  What I think and how I feel only really matters if they are not feeling put out.

I have never allowed smoking in my house or my vehicles, but for some reason my husband thinks that it is ok to smoke in the car because it is too damn cold to smoke outside....well my opinion is if it is too damn cold to stand outside go without!  You do not need to smoke bad enough to endanger MY children!  Nothing pisses me off more than to put my kids into my vehicle and have it have been smoked in.

Then to make matters worse someone felt the need to smoke in the basement bathroom and I guess they figured that the fan would pull it outside...hm forgetting that the fan and dryer are vented through the same vent.  So now my dryer smells of stupid smoke and so did all the clothes I dried....I guess me and the kids don't matter because what we want and what is good for us health wise is an inconvenience to them.  Their "need" to smoke is more important than us.  And NO I am not being over dramatic because not intentionally subjecting us to their smoke should be a higher priority than whether or not they can smoke in the house.

I am not a smoker, I cannot stand smoking, but if you smoke fine just have respect for those of us who don't.  My house should be the one place I can go to get away from it and NOT have to deal with it.  If I go to a smoking establishment then that is my choice to subject myself to smoke.  If I go to someones house who smokes again my choice....being in a smoke free environment in the confines of my own home should also be my choice.  But my choice gets taken away by the selfishness of a smoker...who only thinks about themselves and what they want and how doing what I want and ask of them is an inconvenience to them.