Hmmm...I am not sure what day I am on...so I will pick 8

I am not 100% sure where I left off so I am starting with Day 8 because I didn't do anything past day 8.  Tonight I am tired and worn out from a wk with a sick baby so I didn't get any further ahead, but I also didn't really fall behind.

 Here are the pics that I promised the other day that wouldn't come out!  Enjoy my clean bathroom like I do...except a finished bath would be nice :)

Day 5 Swish and Swipe

I know the run down of how I am coming on my house is not everyone's ideal of a "good read", but this is helping me stay accountable to myself and it is keeping me on track to a cleaner more organized house.  Though I am adapting flylady to my needs it is working rather well for me.

I took her Swish and Swipe and turned it into my version of "Shine the Sink".  I did a very through cleaning in my bathroom (well the best I could givin it is under construction).



Well I tried to add pics, but it decided not to let me...Sorry :( 

Now I have a clean living room, entry way, bathroom, dining room and kitchen....they all need some help, but they are definately looking better!

Day 3 Mission House Clean/ Day 4

Well I didn't do anything but keep doing what I had already done for day 3.  It was the day we chose to celebrate Mo's birthday.  We did a tie-dye birthday party and we had alot of fun!!  14 kids doing t-shirts what more could you ask for :).  Really though it went very well and they had a blast!

So Day 4 was more or less just orgainizing in the kitchen.  I went and bought more "organization" items.  I am super excited to say I think (if my plan works out) that I am gonna paint my kitchen...I am really excited about this.  This will probably not be until we can open the windows in the house while painting.  My entry is getting clogged up with the kids stuff again, need to have them fix that.  Also my kitchen is staying clean as is my living room.  I did laundry today and my table shows it.  I would have had it all done, but I was interupted due to my husbands work.  I am super excited to say this seems to be working for me.  YAY!

Day 2 of my 31 Days DONE!

Day 2 of Babysteps...Flylady says "Get dressed all the way up to lace up shoes".  Some might say this is rather odd, but I find it to actually be a good thing.  I do this everyday anyways.  That way you are always ready and presentable and not in your pj's house coat and slippers....so you can't "answer" the door when the UPS guy shows up.  She suggests putting on your make-up because the better you look the better you feel even if NO ONE is gonna see you...I cannot say make-up did any more for me than not wearing make-up though....I always seem to wear it on Saturdays.

My Living Room has looked ok for several days now minus my entertainment center....but we are in the middle of a bathroom make-over and tooth brushes and all the likes are on the entertainment center for the time being...fun.  Though I am happy with the way the room looks overall.

So My Beautiful 10 yr old is having her Birthday Party tomorrow....and I did what I normally do...and that is find a box or boxes that will hold all my junk...and PACK.  I didn't want to do it that way, but my dining room is my "hotspot" according to Flylady...more so my dining room table than anything.  I figure I got these rooms done...now the family NEEDS to help keep them that way.  There is NO reason for them to get messy again.  Even though it was a "Rush" job and I now have boxes to go through at least it is clean and I don't mind having a Birthday Party at MY house.  The Dining Room has some room for improvement, but I am happy with it.

Oh don't mind the table...it has the "needed" items for the party already sitting on it...and clothes I cannot put away because the owner of them is already sleeping.  Once again I am feeling very accomplished.

Shine the Sink

OK so I have done my Day 1.  Though it was a rough morning getting it just right it is finally done.  I shoulda taken a before, but I didn't.  No one woulda wanted to see it anyways...or maybe it is I wouldn't have wanted to show it?!?!  Probably the later, but you get my point.

I didn't think shining the sink would make me feel accomplished, but all in all it really does.  I feel like I did something....I also did a 15 minute power clean and managed to get my entryway done :)  I also enlisted Breanna's help and bagged all the laundry (we sorted it as we went).  So I also have a clean basement floor too.  I really feel like I did something today.  I almost feel like patting my own back.

Aside from needing a Kitchen remodel to get out of the 70's I am pretty proud of how my kitchen looks!  Thanks Katie and Thanks Fly Lady.

Oh and we cannot forget my awesome 15 min power clean in the entryway (ok so it took 20 min)

31 Days to Regain Control of MY House

I am so tired of never feeling like there are enough hrs in a day to accomplish all the things I need to get done.  I am always somewhere but NEVER anywhere.  This role in my life is driving me crazy.  I look at the house and it is total Chaos (Can't have anyone over syndrome).  I am tired of it.  I want to host game night at my house, I want to invite friends over for dinner, I want to have back yard bbq's....I have a whole list of wants....and they all revolve around a clean house.  My house did not get messy overnight and it most certainly is not gonna get clean in one day.  I need to do this in steps so can change my habits and patterns in my daily life. 

I have decided that I am gonna  conquer it a little at a time...today as flylady suggests I am gonna shine my sink.  I am gonna get all those dishes done and I am gonna scrub my sink clean.  After my sink is clean I am done for the day (ok I have laundry) but I am truely gonna follow flylady's suggestions to getting in my life in order 1 day at a time and NOT allowing it to overwhelm me.

BabySteps to a cleaner home!
Day 1 Shine your sink!!!  That is exactly what I plan to do.  This is supposed to be a reflection that I love myself.  I haven't figured it out yet as I HATE doing dishes, but hey what can it hurt right.

Well here goes day 1 jumpin in head first!  Wish me luck!!!

My Life as a Mommy and Wife pt 2

So I sit here hating my life at the moment.....yeah I seem to be up and down lately.  I feel like a single mom only I have the luxery of being a stay at home mom to my 6 wonderful children.  Where the stress comes in is my Usually wonderful husband doesn't feel the need to put his family first (in my eyes).  He feels he is putting his family first because he works to support the household and allow us the freedoms and luxeries we have.  Ok he works 5 hrs a day MAYBE.  On a busy day he is going non stop and yet other days he may not work but an hr....and this is 7 days a wk.  Heck we have even had weeks where he has had a day or 2 with NO work at all....but the need to be involved at home NEVER occures to him.

We have 6 kids between 3 schools.  I spend 2 days a wk at the counciler with 2 of the kids.  Well each goes once.  We deal with anger and depression among many other things.  To do this running takes approx 2 hrs out of any type of schedule I could possibly have.  We have one who recantly we need to device a whole new meal plan for him...this ought to be fun.  No red dye and no sugars....it is very hard to find anything that does NOT contain one of those two ingrediants.  I have laundry and house cleaning, dishes and you name it to do for 6 in the house...this is on top of the fact that I do the grocery shopping, pay the bills, and well literally ANYTHING that does not involve Mike's work... I do it.  I take the kids shopping when needed I take them to bday parties anything that comes up I am the one who does it.  I am on a time limit with everything I do.  I can be out trying to find something one of the kids needs and I just might get a call from Mike asking when I am gonna be home cause he has a call and needs to leave.   I can never just do anything that needs to be done.

Today prime example....I need to go shopping for Brandon and I need to get some storage containers.  I asked Mike at 11 am if he was busy cause I had stuff that I needed to do and Ren needed her nap.  He said he was waiting on a call and he was gonna need to head up to Sturgis.  Well I fed the kids lunch and attempted to do the running that needed to be done....yeah what fun Ren was a complete pain in the butt and made the whole thing miserable so I just went back home...accomplishing NOTHING and guess what it is 3 pm and Mike still has NOT received his phone call 4 hrs later and I couldn't go do what I needed to because he might have to work.  I could have done what I needed to do, Ren could have had her nap and I could still have taken Brandon and Ren with me to get the girls from school...but of course instead NOTHING gets done because....Mike's clients come first.  How fucking rediculas.  I get tired of putting my life on hold for his work.  He never says NO and he never puts me and the kids first....when is he gonna learn that MONEY does NOT make his family happy his time does.  I should NOT have a schedule 100% of the time I leave the house.  He can tell his clients NO or ask them to wait.  We will not die if we lose one call.

He couldn't tell you anything that goes on with the kids because he is not involved.  He knows nothing of what goes on at counciling.  He couldn't tell you anything about Brandon's new diet.  He does not pay any attention to anything that goes on with US but he can tell you the life fucking stories of those he deals with for work.  Really fucked up if you ask me.  I can tell him things until I am blue in the face and 5 min later he won't have a damn clue what I told him no matter how important what I told him is.

Another example I was mad at him for screwing up my day once again...he asked me to help him clean.  I said no so he sat in a chair and fell asleep.  He will not do anything on his own though I clean all the time while he sits on his butt watching tv, playing with his phone, or at the computer. 

There is NOTHING about our Marriage that is a marriage.  The really sad part is I am not here for us anymore.  I feel no connection to him.  I am only here as to not destroy the lives of 6 kids.  I feel no physical attraction.  I have no interest in sex...it is just one more "job" to do.  I don't even really fully enjoy it when we do have sex.  Part of me is asking in my head if it's over yet.  All I want to do when I go to bed is sleep.  I don't want to make time for small talk, touching, cuddling or anything else that follows in the bed...I don't even want to be touched when I am awake let alone in bed.  I feel like I am just going through the motions and if something doesn't give then I need to leave.  This is not fair to me or to him.....but I am falling out of love and I hate my life.  I used to get all giddy thinging about him and us and our family and life and now all I feel is blank and empty.

I don't feel like a wife.  I feel like I am nothing more than a caregiver to the children, someone to tend to everything else, and a warm body in the bed.  I don't want his money.  I just want to be happy and this is not doing it because he lives his life around what makes him money and not his kids or his wife.  How do I fix it before it's too late?

Hot Topic

So I sit here and think about all the things that irritate me and you know what?!  It really doesn't matter....no one cares about how I feel or what I think they only really take time to think about them and how what I think or how I feel about something only really inconveniences them.  Though they would not word it that way much less admit any of it is true.  What I think and how I feel only really matters if they are not feeling put out.

I have never allowed smoking in my house or my vehicles, but for some reason my husband thinks that it is ok to smoke in the car because it is too damn cold to smoke outside....well my opinion is if it is too damn cold to stand outside go without!  You do not need to smoke bad enough to endanger MY children!  Nothing pisses me off more than to put my kids into my vehicle and have it have been smoked in.

Then to make matters worse someone felt the need to smoke in the basement bathroom and I guess they figured that the fan would pull it outside...hm forgetting that the fan and dryer are vented through the same vent.  So now my dryer smells of stupid smoke and so did all the clothes I dried....I guess me and the kids don't matter because what we want and what is good for us health wise is an inconvenience to them.  Their "need" to smoke is more important than us.  And NO I am not being over dramatic because not intentionally subjecting us to their smoke should be a higher priority than whether or not they can smoke in the house.

I am not a smoker, I cannot stand smoking, but if you smoke fine just have respect for those of us who don't.  My house should be the one place I can go to get away from it and NOT have to deal with it.  If I go to a smoking establishment then that is my choice to subject myself to smoke.  If I go to someones house who smokes again my choice....being in a smoke free environment in the confines of my own home should also be my choice.  But my choice gets taken away by the selfishness of a smoker...who only thinks about themselves and what they want and how doing what I want and ask of them is an inconvenience to them.

Regrets

Have you ever made a decision in your life that affects the whole rest of your life and then sat back down and regreted it?

I pushed Mike to get a vasectomy knowing full well I was done having kids.  Together we had 8 and did NOT need anymore.  I was positive this was the right thing to do.  He knew he did not want anymore kids (and if he didn't then he never told me).  I knew without a doubt that I was done.  I had my last little bundle of joy and ready to just move on in life with the wonderful children we already had and give them the best life possible.

Now that Mike has went through with the procedure (months ago) I am actually heart broken.  I feel we did not talk it through enough and that we made the wrong choice.  I regretted the decision shortly after it was too late to do anything about it.  I wish someone would have tried to talk me out of it or tried to tell me to stay on birth control because you never now if you will change your mind or if your feelings or life situation will change.  It is really weird, but it is like as a mom there is an innate need in me or maybe it is a want or desire, but the longing to once again be pregnant and carry a child inside of me and to look at their little face after birth....I wish I had really taken the time to think this through.....I am so angry at myself for pushing Mike forward on this.

It is my nature to nurture and love and care for such a tiny being and now knowing that will never happen again crushes me.  I look at my little one getting bigger and knowing she is my last breaks my heart.  Why do I listen to all those around me (esp on this topic).  Everyone says we have too many kids, or we didn't need another and I allow their voices to impact me and how I feel and I allow all the guilt they put upon me (even if unintentionally) to weigh on me and make what I feel now was an irrational decision.  Thinking about it now I feel the timing was especially bad because I had a new baby (she was almost a yr but still).  My hormones were not back to normal yet.  I was not even back on a regular cycle...I hadn't even had my period.  So I don't know if it was hormones then that causes me to make the decision or if it is hormones now making me think crazy.

There was nothing (except the morning sickness) that I didn't like about being pregnant.  I LOVED it.  I never grew tired of being pregnant though I did get impatient waiting to hold my new gift.  I also didn't want them born too soon.  I wanted them to stay there as long as they needed and be born when they were ready so they would be nothing less than the perfect little being God had intended them to be.  I would have loved them NO less had their been any issues afterall either way they were MINE. 

I deal with the pain and the guilt of our decision and really there is nothing I can do about it.  I am afraid to tell Mike I feel we made the wrong choice.  I am afraid of what he might say to me.  I don't know that I could handle it givin the hurt and pain I already feel from the choice we made.  What if he thought I was nuts/crazy because I could even think of wanting another one?  Could I really handle that type of verbal rejection?  Then again what if he feels the same way I do and doesn't say anything to me because I pushed for the vasectomy in the first place?  All the what ifs make my head spin.

In a perfect world we would know the right thing to do...but I sit here with all the what ifs in my head to afraid to speak.

It is not like we need to rely on anyone else to take care of our kids.  We do not enlist friends and other family members to help us.  We do not live off of the government as Mike makes good money.  We do our job ourselves and I think I make a pretty damn good mother.

I do know now however that I would NEVER encourage anyone to ever get their tubes tied be you male or female....afterall life changes, feelings change, your circumstances change....just because you feel one way now about something does NOT mean you will always feel that way.  I say stay on birthcontrol until you can no longer concieve.  You never know when you might change your mind.

Falling together!

As I sit here trying to decide what it is I want to right today I feel lost.  I feel the urge to write/blog, but I really have nothing.......so I sit, and I wait....and think about all the crazy happenings in my life....and I ponder and think some more about all the love in my life.

This is where I smile because I know my life is complete!  Even amoung all the crazy topsy tervy backspins and flip flops I know I am the happiest mother and wife alive!  We have our moments and our issues, but I could not really ask for anything else in this life!  I have an amazing husband, wonderful children, a great family and an AWESOME GOD who saw fit to give it all to me.  I have to put my trust in him and know he knew what he was doing when he entrusted me with these 6 little lives and when he place my husband and I together.  He knew we both needed to work on who we were to become better people and he knows together we can figure it out....but we NEED his help.  We cannot do this on our own....

I am trying to find my place.  I know that sounds funny esp coming from me.  But right now I am feeling a bit out of sorts.  I love being a stay at home mom and I am the happiest I have ever been.  I do not have to worry about anyone or anything outside of my family and that is the best feeling in the world.  Though I find myself wanting to be there for those who have always depended on me in the past.  I find it hard to let go fully, but know I need to.  My husband and my children come first and in order to be who and what they need I need to let all else go.

Like I said trying to find my place and in some cases my groove....I look around and know that this is what I should be doing.  I need to get our lives back on track and put back in order.  Nothing makes me happier than getting to play with my lil girl and know that I will get no outside interuptions if I don't want them.  She can have my full undivided attention and I LOVE it.  I like knowing that at night my other 5 children are not competing with anyone else for my love and attention, it is just them. 

Things seem so much quieter and more peaceful.  We finally have a grip on us....Now onto the organization...I cannot seem to find it.  The house is coming along great one moment, but I find it so easy to slack off.  I need to get things in order so things feel more peaceful! 

I have the most wonderful, supportive, loving, patient and kind husband anyone could ask for.  He is my rock and my shoulder for comfort.  I know with everything in me that we are a part of God's ultimate plan and that he put us together for a reason.  I know he entrusted these 6 little miracles to us because he knew not only did they need us, but we needed them!

My life is so full and complete!  I look into the eyes of my children and I know I am where God wants me to be....I also know he wants me to be the best mom and wife I can be too!  This is where my strength in him needs to come in so I can be who he intended me to be, it is a growing and learning process....and boy do I have alot to learn!

My Life

Sometimes I feel as if I am seen as nothing more than your own personal assistant.  My life and my actions must revolve first and foremost around you and what you have going on.  Even if I am focused on one of the kids I must be in tune and ready to jump for you.  I am fine so long as I either have all of the kids with me or my plans are not interfering with you.  It is like life needs to reflect and revolve around you.  Forbid you don't do something because you are doing your "Primary" job which is being a father.

I do not want the job of being a single mother.  But I feel as if I am placed into that role.  The only real difference is I have to also be responsible for another adult.  This is not what I asked for or signed up for, but this is my life.  What I want sits and waits until maybe I can kinda find the time.....oh wait that never happens.  If I do not take time to make sure everything is in place and nothing interferes with you and what you have going on then I am obviously not doing my job right.  That is not fair and I don't understand how you think it is.

The only thing in my life that makes me truly happy is the kids.  The rest of my life is just there and I feel I just exist among it all.  I do not feel as if I am a partner in my relationship.  I do not feel as if I am an equal.  I do not feels as if I count for anything.  I feel that I am here to take care of not only the kids but you and that I must always put my wants and needs last.  As much as I normal enjoy sex, I feel it is just one more thing I have to do and honestly I hate it.  It feels like just one more job I have to add to my list of things to do.

I sit and stare at this damn computer screen because it is the only escape from real life I get.  It is the only time I get to dream or feel like I am even alive anymore.  I feel like I have taken so many wrong turns in life and the only thing that feels right is when I look into my precious children's eyes or feel their hugs or hear them say I love you.  Everything else is just a hollow void needing to be filled.  Without my kids I am alone and empty........at one time you filled the that space.  At one time life was about me and about us.....and now it is about me being with the kids, taking care of the house, dinner, the schedules, the bills, your needs and wants, and whatever else may come up.  And your life is about you.....you watch what you want when you want and me and the kids better not expect any attention in the mean time, you do your thing without their being a schedule.  You are on your time, because it is not about me, the kids, or even us...it is about you.

Anytime I leave I am on a time constraint.  I have to be available to run home for a bond or whatever you have going on.  Nothing about our life is about me.  If I am gone too long I can look forward to a txt asking me how much longer or am I almost done or home.  Like I said the only time I am free to do what I want and in many cases what I need to do is if I drag a herd of children behind me because you cannot be bothered.

This is my life daily and you don't see a problem with it.....but if life interferes with you.....then we have an issue.

Well I titled this blog wild ride for a reason, but right now.....I only want off.