This may not be the correct title for this blog, but it is the first thing that really came to mind. So here goes.....
Growing up my dad was not around...I would like to believe it was the Military and the fact that he lived overseas that kept him away...the cost of flying home not only himself but the family that lived with him had to be far to expensive to consider. I was far to young to appreciate Australia and Japan...if he was anywhere else I am not really sure as the only contact I had with him was via his parents.
I did hear from hi with a birthday card and Christmas card...when I was younger I got $25 and thought I was rich that was so much money to me. As I got older the amount increased to $50. I had really scored with that sort of cash (well a check).
My dad moved back to the states when I was 11. He was stationed in Fla and I still never seen him. The Christmas I was in 7th grade I received a package from my dad for Christmas. In this package was a card that said Love, Dad, Susan, and Lissa. I was confused I did not know who Lissa and Susan were...I had just seen my dad a lil over a yr ago and he made no mention of them to me. Was he so excited to see me that it slipped his mind? I asked my grandparents about them and this is the first I hear that I have another little sister. Part of me was excited to have a sister and part of me was angry that my dad had never told me about her. Though really when was he supposed to after all my birthday and Christmas were still the only contact I had with him and he was now state side.
I often wondered why I never got to go to Fla to see my dad. Kids in divorced homes always flew without an adult. I had friends who did it every summer. I often wondered if my dad really loved me and wanted me while I was growing up. I mean he never really did anything to show me that I was special to him.
When I was 14 my grandparents took me to Fla to see my dad. I now had a new little brother who was 8 months old and both of my sisters were living with him too. I was so excited to finally get to see Amber again and meet Lissa and Dylan....I think I spent most of my time down there with either Carrie the neighbor or Dylan. I fell totally in love with him the moment I laid eyes on him. Maybe that is why I feel I have this connection with him even thouhg we were never around each other. That was a GREAT trip. I got to spend time with my dad, I loved my step mom she was the GREATEST! And I had 3 siblings who I wanted more than anything to get to know better....even if they were all alot younger than me...
I went home glad to finally be building a relationship with my dad. I had waited forever for this....I wrote him and Susan all the time and told them of all the things going on in my life and I anxiously awaited their replies and for the latest on the kids. The next summer came and I was so excited to hopefully get to go down to Fla again....I wrote my dad and asked him and he said it was a bad time and he couldn't afford an airline ticket. I was bummed but quickly came up with the idea of paying for half of it with all my babysitting money...this time it was not my dad who replied, but Susan and she told me my dad could not write a reply to me because it broke his heart to half to tell me no but they simply just could not afford it. I was crushed. I had been waiting all school yr to get to see them again. I was so excited to finally be apart of the other half of my family only to learn it would not happen this yr.
Little did I know it would NOT happen. Every yr my dad had some reason why he could not buy or help me buy a ticket to come see them. Every yr my heart was broken more and more. Did my dad not want to see me? Was I not really apart of his family? Why wouldn't he want to save a little bit of money every month so he could fly me down there? Why wouldn't he want to get to know me? Afterall I am his oldest...or did he really just want to forget about me? Was I an inconvienance to him? (I know plane tickets were around $300 at the time because I would check every yr to see if I could afford my own and I never could).
The older I got the less I tried to be involved with my dad. I was tired of trying to be the adult in the situation and tired of putting the effort forward....the only thing I ever asked my dad for was his time and attention...and his love. The only way I could see this happening was to be able to go see him...and he NEVER found a way to make it happen. My heart had been broken beyond repair. I couldn't even count the pieces anymore there were so many and they were so small. I gave up hope in trying.
When I turned 18 I dropped out of school. I really do not have a good reason after all I was top of the class. But all in all school bored me and I decided to leave. I sat down and wrote my dad a letter telling him I was 18, I wasn't in school he no longer needed to pay child support...I no longer needed to be an obligation to him and I no longer needed to be a part of his life. I do not remember the letter in detail, but I do remember I filled him in on all my favorites in life, the fact that I had a longstanding boyfriend of 2+ yrs and many other things that a father should know about their child but he most likely did not know about me. I told him as far as I was concerned we could go our separate ways. I no longer needed birthday cards, Christmas cards...nothing. We no longer needed to pretend we were family. I felt I was a secret from a past life that he wanted to forget. So now was his chance, his time he could forget about me and I would do the same about him. I would go on with my life with the ones who truly did love me and were not afraid or embarrassed to show it. Those who did not make up excuses to me. Those who put me first and made the effort to have me in their lives.
I received a letter back from him. I do not know exactly what I was expecting it to say...I'm sorry maybe...there would be a start...but that is NOT what I got. I received a letter saying "I'm sorry YOU feel that way" not I'm sorry i have made you feel that way....first sentence and I was already like whatever...though he took time to send me the letter and give me his side I owed it to him to read it...he went on to blame everything on my mom and his ex wife Helen. He took no responsibility for alienating me or making me feel shunned. To this day I will say I understand most of my childhood he was not in the US so it really was too hard for him to include me in his life, but what about when he moved back and was stationed in the US? What about my teen yrs when most girls have their fathers as their male role models?
I had to of the best role models I could ever ask for. My Grandpa Byron whom I loved dearly with my whole heart and my Uncle Jim. For them I will truly be grateful for the rest of my life. They were always there for me. They always had time for me. I was not an inconvenience to them...I was truly loved by them.
The summer of 97 I was getting married and felt I really needed to invite my dad though I did NOT want him to give me away. I did not feel he deserved the right. He may have been my biological father, but he was never anything more than that to me. Though I needed to invite him. I did not want to ever regret not inviting him. I had a traditional wedding...with a nontraditional twist, my Grandpa and Uncle both walked me down the isle...what could have been more fitting than the 2 men who meant the most to me aside from my future husband to give me away? My dad showed up. And to my surprise I was really glad to see him, though I did not regret my decision to not have him walk me down the isle.
It was sort of ironic how him being at my wedding, but not giving me away sparked an interest in me and my life...he started calling me. I do not ever remember my dad calling me in my life! I was so excited to finally be starting a relationship with my dad....even if it was late. From this point on I heard from my dad almost every month...I was elated! This is what I had wanted my whole life and now I was finally getting it.
I had went to Fla several times courtesy of John's parents and each time my dad made an effort to come across state to see us. It was GREAT. I was finally really truly a part of his family even if I was an adult. Though the next time I seen him after my wedding he did havee a 13 month old granddaughter! I was still excited to see them all!
As time passed John's parents continued to pay for us to go to Fla every yr and every yr my dad continued to come across state to see us. We were on the road to finally building a relationship.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Back so Soon
Ironically I have not blogged in back to back days for a long time. Today though I feel like spilling...what exactly I do not know. I guess we shall find out as my blog unfolds this morning.
I sit here this morning and think about life as it unfolds and I know I am truly blessed. I have 6 wonderful kids and an amazing husband! They are my life and without them truly I would be lost. So as I continue to think my mind wonders to the age old thought of "why is it so much easier to be nice to a complete stranger than it is to be nice to the ones we love"? What I mean by this is....when a stranger gets in our way and it is irritates us we tend to shrug it off when they acknowledge that they are in our way. Yet when it is one of our children it is so much easier to yell at them for being in say the kitchen than to say something nice to them about not being in the kitchen.
I often find myself getting frustrated at many of the little things in life, or the small things my kids or husband do. Yes I have to admit...I am the mother of 6 and I am a yeller. I do find most of the time this does not accomplish what I am hoping to. It either ends up in my husband and I fighting or one of my kids crying and in some cases yelling back. I tell myself next time I will not react this way....and the next time I yell. I am trying to find alternatives to the loudness, but it only seems to work temporarily. My husband and kids are my life, they are my world and yet...I yell at them at the drop of a hat. I never used to be this way. I rarely raised my voice...why now am I so quick to shout?
I look at my kids and do not know what I would do without them. Yes 6 kids can be tiring, but they are truly my inspiration. They are the reason I wake each day and they are my last thought as I close my eyes for the night. I know many of my parenting tactics are no longer the norm. I am pretty old school you could say. I still believe in spankings...I believe in the old adage "Spare the rod spoil the child" as many would like to point out that verse is NOT in the Bible, but the Bible is actually more harsh. The Bible clearly states "Beat your child with the rod for he shall not die". So until God tells me it is wrong to spank...I will spank! I do not beat my kids they get a whack or two on the bottom...and they are over it almost as soon as I am done. Even at that they rarely get spanked. Now the yelling...I do not feel is right, but I cannot seem to stop. It almost always seems to be my reaction after I have asked them to quit and they persist.
So I continue trying to improve this area sometimes I feel like I am making progress on the "road to recovery" from yelling and other times I feel like I have went all the way back to start. I have decided that this blog is not all about the roses and sunshine, but instead it is about me on my path to becoming a better wife and mother. I know I do the mothering job pretty darn well, but there is room for improvement. I have a little bit of issue dominating when it comes to being a wife. I guess lack of structure and discipline in our roles makes it easy for me to take over....I feel a strong family has a strong leader...but sometimes my strength is also my greatest weakness or even downfall.
With the Lord as my guide I know I will beat this, but the devil tricks me every time I think I am getting it right. I pray for strength as I start my day. I pray for guidance as I aspire to be a better wife and mother. So slowly I move forward on this road called "MY LIFE".
I sit here this morning and think about life as it unfolds and I know I am truly blessed. I have 6 wonderful kids and an amazing husband! They are my life and without them truly I would be lost. So as I continue to think my mind wonders to the age old thought of "why is it so much easier to be nice to a complete stranger than it is to be nice to the ones we love"? What I mean by this is....when a stranger gets in our way and it is irritates us we tend to shrug it off when they acknowledge that they are in our way. Yet when it is one of our children it is so much easier to yell at them for being in say the kitchen than to say something nice to them about not being in the kitchen.
I often find myself getting frustrated at many of the little things in life, or the small things my kids or husband do. Yes I have to admit...I am the mother of 6 and I am a yeller. I do find most of the time this does not accomplish what I am hoping to. It either ends up in my husband and I fighting or one of my kids crying and in some cases yelling back. I tell myself next time I will not react this way....and the next time I yell. I am trying to find alternatives to the loudness, but it only seems to work temporarily. My husband and kids are my life, they are my world and yet...I yell at them at the drop of a hat. I never used to be this way. I rarely raised my voice...why now am I so quick to shout?
I look at my kids and do not know what I would do without them. Yes 6 kids can be tiring, but they are truly my inspiration. They are the reason I wake each day and they are my last thought as I close my eyes for the night. I know many of my parenting tactics are no longer the norm. I am pretty old school you could say. I still believe in spankings...I believe in the old adage "Spare the rod spoil the child" as many would like to point out that verse is NOT in the Bible, but the Bible is actually more harsh. The Bible clearly states "Beat your child with the rod for he shall not die". So until God tells me it is wrong to spank...I will spank! I do not beat my kids they get a whack or two on the bottom...and they are over it almost as soon as I am done. Even at that they rarely get spanked. Now the yelling...I do not feel is right, but I cannot seem to stop. It almost always seems to be my reaction after I have asked them to quit and they persist.
So I continue trying to improve this area sometimes I feel like I am making progress on the "road to recovery" from yelling and other times I feel like I have went all the way back to start. I have decided that this blog is not all about the roses and sunshine, but instead it is about me on my path to becoming a better wife and mother. I know I do the mothering job pretty darn well, but there is room for improvement. I have a little bit of issue dominating when it comes to being a wife. I guess lack of structure and discipline in our roles makes it easy for me to take over....I feel a strong family has a strong leader...but sometimes my strength is also my greatest weakness or even downfall.
With the Lord as my guide I know I will beat this, but the devil tricks me every time I think I am getting it right. I pray for strength as I start my day. I pray for guidance as I aspire to be a better wife and mother. So slowly I move forward on this road called "MY LIFE".
Monday, December 6, 2010
Where does the time go?
I am sitting here and I realize it is already Dec 6, 2010. Where did the last yr go? My baby is no longer a baby and my oldest is almost a teen. Mo and Amber will be hitting double digits in this next yr....and Brandon will offically go off to Kindergarden. I am NOT ready for this...I don't want them to keep getting bigger. I do NOT want baby to keep growing...though I am not totally impressed with her demanding little self right now...LOL
I feel like everytime I turn around my house looks like a tornado hit it...and well technically 6 of them did, but I would love a break. Today for the first time in a LONG time I got all my laundry done! I am so proud of myself! Well I do have to give credit to my mom. She did laundry all day yesterday. To think 2 full days of laundry and at 10:24 pm I finally get to put the last load into the dryer....though I have almost a full load since the kids put their pjs on, but not enough like colors for me to wash. I think I am actually thankful though...LOL.
I suppose life in our house would be a little easier if we were not living out of boxes (bathroom stuff) due to the remodel. I am so super excited to see the finished product, but it seems to be taking forever....waiting on the electical inspector....he comes Thursday finally...YAY!
So this anger issue of mine....(seems to mainly be at Mike)yeah it's back...and I hate it. He seems to know how to hit every single button then goes back for a second time. Why? It is like he does it on purpose...my brother noticed it several diff times and even called him out on it. UGH!
Well Christmas is approaching very fast...as I do not have the tree up yet. My plan is to put it up Thursday and have it up when the kids get home from school. I do not know if I can complete that task, but that is the plan. Then when the kids come home they can decorate it. Oh sounds so fun! When ever am I gonna find time to shop? When are we gonna find time to take the kids shopping so they can do the Angel Tree? There just never seems to be enough time.
I cannot wait until December 17th. Bre and Brandon will be out of school for 2 whole wks. I wish they all were, but gotta love the public school system (NOT).
Well I suppose this blog got boring fast....LOL
I feel like everytime I turn around my house looks like a tornado hit it...and well technically 6 of them did, but I would love a break. Today for the first time in a LONG time I got all my laundry done! I am so proud of myself! Well I do have to give credit to my mom. She did laundry all day yesterday. To think 2 full days of laundry and at 10:24 pm I finally get to put the last load into the dryer....though I have almost a full load since the kids put their pjs on, but not enough like colors for me to wash. I think I am actually thankful though...LOL.
I suppose life in our house would be a little easier if we were not living out of boxes (bathroom stuff) due to the remodel. I am so super excited to see the finished product, but it seems to be taking forever....waiting on the electical inspector....he comes Thursday finally...YAY!
So this anger issue of mine....(seems to mainly be at Mike)yeah it's back...and I hate it. He seems to know how to hit every single button then goes back for a second time. Why? It is like he does it on purpose...my brother noticed it several diff times and even called him out on it. UGH!
Well Christmas is approaching very fast...as I do not have the tree up yet. My plan is to put it up Thursday and have it up when the kids get home from school. I do not know if I can complete that task, but that is the plan. Then when the kids come home they can decorate it. Oh sounds so fun! When ever am I gonna find time to shop? When are we gonna find time to take the kids shopping so they can do the Angel Tree? There just never seems to be enough time.
I cannot wait until December 17th. Bre and Brandon will be out of school for 2 whole wks. I wish they all were, but gotta love the public school system (NOT).
Well I suppose this blog got boring fast....LOL
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