Regrets

Have you ever made a decision in your life that affects the whole rest of your life and then sat back down and regreted it?

I pushed Mike to get a vasectomy knowing full well I was done having kids.  Together we had 8 and did NOT need anymore.  I was positive this was the right thing to do.  He knew he did not want anymore kids (and if he didn't then he never told me).  I knew without a doubt that I was done.  I had my last little bundle of joy and ready to just move on in life with the wonderful children we already had and give them the best life possible.

Now that Mike has went through with the procedure (months ago) I am actually heart broken.  I feel we did not talk it through enough and that we made the wrong choice.  I regretted the decision shortly after it was too late to do anything about it.  I wish someone would have tried to talk me out of it or tried to tell me to stay on birth control because you never now if you will change your mind or if your feelings or life situation will change.  It is really weird, but it is like as a mom there is an innate need in me or maybe it is a want or desire, but the longing to once again be pregnant and carry a child inside of me and to look at their little face after birth....I wish I had really taken the time to think this through.....I am so angry at myself for pushing Mike forward on this.

It is my nature to nurture and love and care for such a tiny being and now knowing that will never happen again crushes me.  I look at my little one getting bigger and knowing she is my last breaks my heart.  Why do I listen to all those around me (esp on this topic).  Everyone says we have too many kids, or we didn't need another and I allow their voices to impact me and how I feel and I allow all the guilt they put upon me (even if unintentionally) to weigh on me and make what I feel now was an irrational decision.  Thinking about it now I feel the timing was especially bad because I had a new baby (she was almost a yr but still).  My hormones were not back to normal yet.  I was not even back on a regular cycle...I hadn't even had my period.  So I don't know if it was hormones then that causes me to make the decision or if it is hormones now making me think crazy.

There was nothing (except the morning sickness) that I didn't like about being pregnant.  I LOVED it.  I never grew tired of being pregnant though I did get impatient waiting to hold my new gift.  I also didn't want them born too soon.  I wanted them to stay there as long as they needed and be born when they were ready so they would be nothing less than the perfect little being God had intended them to be.  I would have loved them NO less had their been any issues afterall either way they were MINE. 

I deal with the pain and the guilt of our decision and really there is nothing I can do about it.  I am afraid to tell Mike I feel we made the wrong choice.  I am afraid of what he might say to me.  I don't know that I could handle it givin the hurt and pain I already feel from the choice we made.  What if he thought I was nuts/crazy because I could even think of wanting another one?  Could I really handle that type of verbal rejection?  Then again what if he feels the same way I do and doesn't say anything to me because I pushed for the vasectomy in the first place?  All the what ifs make my head spin.

In a perfect world we would know the right thing to do...but I sit here with all the what ifs in my head to afraid to speak.

It is not like we need to rely on anyone else to take care of our kids.  We do not enlist friends and other family members to help us.  We do not live off of the government as Mike makes good money.  We do our job ourselves and I think I make a pretty damn good mother.

I do know now however that I would NEVER encourage anyone to ever get their tubes tied be you male or female....afterall life changes, feelings change, your circumstances change....just because you feel one way now about something does NOT mean you will always feel that way.  I say stay on birthcontrol until you can no longer concieve.  You never know when you might change your mind.

Falling together!

As I sit here trying to decide what it is I want to right today I feel lost.  I feel the urge to write/blog, but I really have nothing.......so I sit, and I wait....and think about all the crazy happenings in my life....and I ponder and think some more about all the love in my life.

This is where I smile because I know my life is complete!  Even amoung all the crazy topsy tervy backspins and flip flops I know I am the happiest mother and wife alive!  We have our moments and our issues, but I could not really ask for anything else in this life!  I have an amazing husband, wonderful children, a great family and an AWESOME GOD who saw fit to give it all to me.  I have to put my trust in him and know he knew what he was doing when he entrusted me with these 6 little lives and when he place my husband and I together.  He knew we both needed to work on who we were to become better people and he knows together we can figure it out....but we NEED his help.  We cannot do this on our own....

I am trying to find my place.  I know that sounds funny esp coming from me.  But right now I am feeling a bit out of sorts.  I love being a stay at home mom and I am the happiest I have ever been.  I do not have to worry about anyone or anything outside of my family and that is the best feeling in the world.  Though I find myself wanting to be there for those who have always depended on me in the past.  I find it hard to let go fully, but know I need to.  My husband and my children come first and in order to be who and what they need I need to let all else go.

Like I said trying to find my place and in some cases my groove....I look around and know that this is what I should be doing.  I need to get our lives back on track and put back in order.  Nothing makes me happier than getting to play with my lil girl and know that I will get no outside interuptions if I don't want them.  She can have my full undivided attention and I LOVE it.  I like knowing that at night my other 5 children are not competing with anyone else for my love and attention, it is just them. 

Things seem so much quieter and more peaceful.  We finally have a grip on us....Now onto the organization...I cannot seem to find it.  The house is coming along great one moment, but I find it so easy to slack off.  I need to get things in order so things feel more peaceful! 

I have the most wonderful, supportive, loving, patient and kind husband anyone could ask for.  He is my rock and my shoulder for comfort.  I know with everything in me that we are a part of God's ultimate plan and that he put us together for a reason.  I know he entrusted these 6 little miracles to us because he knew not only did they need us, but we needed them!

My life is so full and complete!  I look into the eyes of my children and I know I am where God wants me to be....I also know he wants me to be the best mom and wife I can be too!  This is where my strength in him needs to come in so I can be who he intended me to be, it is a growing and learning process....and boy do I have alot to learn!

My Life

Sometimes I feel as if I am seen as nothing more than your own personal assistant.  My life and my actions must revolve first and foremost around you and what you have going on.  Even if I am focused on one of the kids I must be in tune and ready to jump for you.  I am fine so long as I either have all of the kids with me or my plans are not interfering with you.  It is like life needs to reflect and revolve around you.  Forbid you don't do something because you are doing your "Primary" job which is being a father.

I do not want the job of being a single mother.  But I feel as if I am placed into that role.  The only real difference is I have to also be responsible for another adult.  This is not what I asked for or signed up for, but this is my life.  What I want sits and waits until maybe I can kinda find the time.....oh wait that never happens.  If I do not take time to make sure everything is in place and nothing interferes with you and what you have going on then I am obviously not doing my job right.  That is not fair and I don't understand how you think it is.

The only thing in my life that makes me truly happy is the kids.  The rest of my life is just there and I feel I just exist among it all.  I do not feel as if I am a partner in my relationship.  I do not feel as if I am an equal.  I do not feels as if I count for anything.  I feel that I am here to take care of not only the kids but you and that I must always put my wants and needs last.  As much as I normal enjoy sex, I feel it is just one more thing I have to do and honestly I hate it.  It feels like just one more job I have to add to my list of things to do.

I sit and stare at this damn computer screen because it is the only escape from real life I get.  It is the only time I get to dream or feel like I am even alive anymore.  I feel like I have taken so many wrong turns in life and the only thing that feels right is when I look into my precious children's eyes or feel their hugs or hear them say I love you.  Everything else is just a hollow void needing to be filled.  Without my kids I am alone and empty........at one time you filled the that space.  At one time life was about me and about us.....and now it is about me being with the kids, taking care of the house, dinner, the schedules, the bills, your needs and wants, and whatever else may come up.  And your life is about you.....you watch what you want when you want and me and the kids better not expect any attention in the mean time, you do your thing without their being a schedule.  You are on your time, because it is not about me, the kids, or even us...it is about you.

Anytime I leave I am on a time constraint.  I have to be available to run home for a bond or whatever you have going on.  Nothing about our life is about me.  If I am gone too long I can look forward to a txt asking me how much longer or am I almost done or home.  Like I said the only time I am free to do what I want and in many cases what I need to do is if I drag a herd of children behind me because you cannot be bothered.

This is my life daily and you don't see a problem with it.....but if life interferes with you.....then we have an issue.

Well I titled this blog wild ride for a reason, but right now.....I only want off.