Dirty Little Secret Exposed

This may not be the correct title for this blog, but it is the first thing that really came to mind.  So here goes.....

Growing up my dad was not around...I would like to believe it was the Military and the fact that he lived overseas that kept him away...the cost of flying home not only himself but the family that lived with him had to be far to expensive to consider.  I was far to young to appreciate Australia and Japan...if he was anywhere else I am not really sure as the only contact I had with him was via his parents.

I did hear from hi with a birthday card and Christmas card...when I was younger I got $25 and thought I was rich that was so much money to me.  As I got older the amount increased to $50.  I had really scored with that sort of cash (well a check).

My dad moved back to the states when I was 11.  He was stationed in Fla and I still never seen him.  The Christmas I was in 7th grade I received a package from my dad for Christmas.  In this package was a card that said Love, Dad, Susan, and Lissa.  I was confused I did not know who Lissa and Susan were...I had just seen my dad a lil over a yr ago and he made no mention of them to me.  Was he so excited to see me that it slipped his mind?  I asked my grandparents about them and this is the first I hear that I have another little sister.  Part of me was excited to have a sister and part of me was angry that my dad had never told me about her.  Though really when was he supposed to after all my birthday and Christmas were still the only contact I had with him and he was now state side.

I often wondered why I never got to go to Fla to see my dad.  Kids in divorced homes always flew without an adult.  I had friends who did it every summer.  I often wondered if my dad really loved me and wanted me while I was growing up.  I mean he never really did anything to show me that I was special to him.

When I was 14 my grandparents took me to Fla to see my dad.  I now had a new little brother who was 8 months old and both of my sisters were living with him too.  I was so excited to finally get to see Amber again and meet Lissa and Dylan....I think I spent most of my time down there with either Carrie the neighbor or Dylan.  I fell totally in love with him the moment I laid eyes on him.  Maybe that is why I feel I have this connection with him even thouhg we were never around each other.  That was a GREAT trip.  I got to spend time with my dad, I loved my step mom she was the GREATEST!  And I had 3 siblings who I wanted more than anything to get to know better....even if they were all alot younger than me...

I went home glad to finally be building a relationship with my dad.  I had waited forever for this....I wrote him and Susan all the time and told them of all the things going on in my life and I anxiously awaited their replies and for the latest on the kids.  The next summer came and I was so excited to hopefully get to go down to Fla again....I wrote my dad and asked him and he said it was a bad time and he couldn't afford an airline ticket.  I was bummed but quickly came up with the idea of paying for half of it with all my babysitting money...this time it was not my dad who replied, but Susan and she told me my dad could not write a reply to me because it broke his heart to half to tell me no but they simply just could not afford it.  I was crushed.  I had been waiting all school yr to get to see them again.  I was so excited to finally be apart of the other half of my family only to learn it would not happen this yr.

Little did I know it would NOT happen.  Every yr my dad had some reason why he could not buy or help me buy a ticket to come see them.  Every yr my heart was broken more and more.  Did my dad not want to see me?  Was I not really apart of his family?  Why wouldn't he want to save a little bit of money every month so he could fly me down there?  Why wouldn't he want to get to know me?  Afterall I am his oldest...or did he really just want to forget about me?  Was I an inconvienance to him?  (I know plane tickets were around $300 at the time because I would check every yr to see if I could afford my own and I never could).

The older I got the less I tried to be involved with my dad.  I was tired of trying to be the adult in the situation and tired of putting the effort forward....the only thing I ever asked my dad for was his time and attention...and his love.  The only way I could see this happening was to be able to go see him...and he NEVER found a way to make it happen.  My heart had been broken beyond repair.  I couldn't even count the pieces anymore there were so many and they were so small.  I gave up hope in trying.

When I turned 18 I dropped out of school.  I really do not have a good reason after all I was top of the class.  But all in all school bored me and I decided to leave.  I sat down and wrote my dad a letter telling him I was 18, I wasn't in school he no longer needed to pay child support...I no longer needed to be an obligation to him and I no longer needed to be a part of his life.  I do not remember the letter in detail, but I do remember I filled him in on all my favorites in life, the fact that I had a longstanding boyfriend of 2+ yrs and many other things that a father should know about their child but he most likely did not know about me.  I told him as far as I was concerned we could go our separate ways.  I no longer needed birthday cards, Christmas cards...nothing.  We no longer needed to pretend we were family.  I felt I was a secret from a past life that he wanted to forget.  So now was his chance, his time he could forget about me and I would do the same about him.  I would go on with my life with the ones who truly did love me and were not afraid or embarrassed to show it.  Those who did not make up excuses to me.  Those who put me first and made the effort to have me in their lives.

I received a letter back from him.  I do not know exactly what I was expecting it to say...I'm sorry maybe...there would be a start...but that is NOT what I got.  I received a letter saying "I'm sorry YOU feel that way"  not I'm sorry i have made you feel that way....first sentence and I was already like whatever...though he took time to send me the letter and give me his side I owed it to him to read it...he went on to blame everything on my mom and his ex wife Helen.  He took no responsibility for alienating me or making me feel shunned.  To this day I will say I understand most of my childhood he was not in the US so it really was too hard for him to include me in his life, but what about when he moved back and was stationed in the US?  What about my teen yrs when most girls have their fathers as their male role models?

I had to of the best role models I could ever ask for.  My Grandpa Byron whom I loved dearly with my whole heart and my Uncle Jim.  For them I will truly be grateful for the rest of my life.  They were always there for me.  They always had time for me.  I was not an inconvenience to them...I was truly loved by them.

The summer of 97 I was getting married and felt I really needed to invite my dad though I did NOT want him to give me away.  I did not feel he deserved the right.  He may have been my biological father, but he was never anything more than that to me.  Though I needed to invite him.  I did not want to ever regret not inviting him.  I had a traditional wedding...with a nontraditional twist, my Grandpa and Uncle both walked me down the isle...what could have been more fitting than the 2 men who meant the most to me aside from my future husband to give me away?  My dad showed up.  And to my surprise I was really glad to see him, though I did not regret my decision to not have him walk me down the isle.

It was sort of ironic how him being at my wedding, but not giving me away sparked an interest in me and my life...he started calling me.  I do not ever remember my dad calling me in my life!  I was so excited to finally be starting a relationship with my dad....even if it was late.  From this point on I heard from my dad almost every month...I was elated!  This is what I had wanted my whole life and now I was finally getting it.

I had went to Fla several times courtesy of John's parents and each time my dad made an effort to come across state to see us.  It was GREAT.  I was finally really truly a part of his family even if I was an adult.  Though the next time I seen him after my wedding he did havee a 13 month old granddaughter!  I was still excited to see them all!

As time passed John's parents continued to pay for us to go to Fla every yr and every yr my dad continued to come across state to see us.  We were on the road to finally building a relationship.

Back so Soon

Ironically I have not blogged in back to back days for a long time.  Today though I feel like spilling...what exactly I do not know.  I guess we shall find out as my blog unfolds this morning.

I sit here this morning and think about life as it unfolds and I know I am truly blessed.  I have 6 wonderful kids and an amazing husband!  They are my life and without them truly I would be lost.  So as I continue to think my mind wonders to the age old thought of "why is it so much easier to be nice to a complete stranger than it is to be nice to the ones we love"?  What I mean by this is....when a stranger gets in our way and it is irritates us we tend to shrug it off when they acknowledge that they are in our way.  Yet when it is one of our children it is so much easier to yell at them for being in say the kitchen than to say something nice to them about not being in the kitchen.

I often find myself getting frustrated at many of the little things in life, or the small things my kids or husband do.  Yes I have to admit...I am the mother of 6 and I am a yeller.  I do find most of the time this does not accomplish what I am hoping to.  It either ends up in my husband and I fighting or one of my kids crying and in some cases yelling back.  I tell myself next time I will not react this way....and the next time I yell.  I am trying to find alternatives to the loudness, but it only seems to work temporarily.  My husband and kids are my life, they are my world and yet...I yell at them at the drop of a hat.  I never used to be this way.  I rarely raised my voice...why now am I so quick to shout?

I look at my kids and do not know what I would do without them.  Yes 6 kids can be tiring, but they are truly my inspiration.  They are the reason I wake each day and they are my last thought as I close my eyes for the night.  I know many of my parenting tactics are no longer the norm.  I am pretty old school you could say.  I still believe in spankings...I believe in the old adage "Spare the rod spoil the child" as many would like to point out that verse is NOT in the Bible, but the Bible is actually more harsh.  The Bible clearly states "Beat your child with the rod for he shall not die".  So until God tells me it is wrong to spank...I will spank!  I do not beat my kids they get a whack or two on the bottom...and they are over it almost as soon as I am done.  Even at that they rarely get spanked.  Now the yelling...I do not feel is right, but I cannot seem to stop. It almost always seems to be my reaction after I have asked them to quit and they persist. 

So I continue trying to improve this area sometimes I feel like I am making progress on the "road to recovery" from yelling and other times I feel like I have went all the way back to start.  I have decided that this blog is not all about the roses and sunshine, but instead it is about me on my path to becoming a better wife and mother.  I know I do the mothering job pretty darn well, but there is room for improvement.  I have a little bit of issue dominating when it comes to being a wife.  I guess lack of structure and discipline in our roles makes it easy for me to take over....I feel a strong family has a strong leader...but sometimes my strength is also my greatest weakness or even downfall.

With the Lord as my guide I know I will beat this, but the devil tricks me every time I think I am getting it right.   I pray for strength as I start my day.  I pray for guidance as I aspire to be a better wife and mother.  So slowly I move forward on this road called "MY LIFE".

Where does the time go?

I am sitting here and I realize it is already Dec 6, 2010.  Where did the last yr go?  My baby is no longer a baby and my oldest is almost a teen.  Mo and Amber will be hitting double digits in this next yr....and Brandon will offically go off to Kindergarden.  I am NOT ready for this...I don't want them to keep getting bigger.  I do NOT want baby to keep growing...though I am not totally impressed with her demanding little self right now...LOL

I feel like everytime I turn around my house looks like a tornado hit it...and well technically 6 of them did, but I would love a break.  Today for the first time in a LONG time I got all my laundry done!  I am so proud of myself!  Well I do have to give credit to my mom.  She did laundry all day yesterday.  To think 2 full days of laundry and at 10:24 pm I finally get to put the last load into the dryer....though I have almost a full load since the kids put their pjs on, but not enough like colors for me to wash.  I think I am actually thankful though...LOL.

I suppose life in our house would be a little easier if we were not living out of boxes (bathroom stuff) due to the remodel. I am so super excited to see the finished product, but it seems to be taking forever....waiting on the electical inspector....he comes Thursday finally...YAY!

So this anger issue of mine....(seems to mainly be at Mike)yeah it's back...and I hate it.  He seems to know how to hit every single button then goes back for a second time.  Why?  It is like he does it on purpose...my brother noticed it several diff times and even called him out on it.  UGH!

Well Christmas is approaching very fast...as I do not have the tree up yet.  My plan is to put it up Thursday and have it up when the kids get home from school.  I do not know if I can complete that task, but that is the plan.  Then when the kids come home they can decorate it.  Oh sounds so fun!  When ever am I gonna find time to shop?  When are we gonna find time to take the kids shopping so they can do the Angel Tree?  There just never seems to be enough time.

I cannot wait until December 17th.  Bre and Brandon will be out of school for 2 whole wks.  I wish they all were, but gotta love the public school system (NOT).

Well I suppose this blog got boring fast....LOL

Super Happy

I am super happy!  Life could not be better.  Mike and I are getting along GREAT!!!  The kids are doing really well.  And to top it off....my house is coming along wonderfully...though if you look at the bathroom off the kitchen you would never believe it..LOL.

Ren is getting so big.  She is 13.5 months old now.  Time sure flies.  As exciting as watching her grow is, it is also very sad :( my baby is getting so big.  Mommy is not really of any use except for when she wants to nurse.  She comes over to me and tries to lift my shirt and says booboo.  It is cute but also pathetic...LOL.  She started walking this last month and is all over the place though these last few days she has been walking all disoriented almost drunk like.  She is such a silly little girl.  We have a shape sorter and she loves to play with it.  She picks up a piece and I turn it to the right hole and we put the piece in...we have to clap between every piece cause it is an exciting accomplishment.  When my grandma comes downstairs to the living room Ren always has to look for something to give her.  As she hands it to her she says "Thank You" and continues to find things to give Great Grandma.  It is so cute.  There are different things that G gma has taught her that she copies everytime she sees here...she is so stinkin smart.  For her age I think she talks alot.  She has an excellent way of getting her point across and letting you know what she wants by using her words.

Brandon is 5 yrs old and in some aspects he is so smart, in others you can tell he just does NOT get it.  Things do not connect with him no matter how many times you tell him things.  He can be exhausting on his own somedays then add 5 more kids to the mix and by the end of the night your spent.  We put him back in preschool as we felt it was the best thing for him.  They also agreed when we had him tested.  He just was not ready for Kindergarden...but he is a boy born mid Aug so it's better to be safe than set him up for failure.  Well when it comes to hot wheels and air planes he is all boy.  When it comes to wrestling...not a chance he is a total girl.  We try to toughin him up with the fact there he has 5 sisters in the house, but it just does not seem to work.  He loves to play with his friends David and Ethan and he def needs the boy time.

Tori she brings a smile to my face, but she sure loves to pick on Brandon and now she is starting to pick on Ren.  If you call her one it she gets very upset and says she is NOT picking on anyone.  She has always been my baby girl and was always my cuddler so I think she is feeling left out with a new baby in the house.  When Brandon was the new baby she loved him and he was HER brother and everyone else had to leave him alone....as he got older she decided to torture him and now she is a pill to Ren too.  I try to make sure she gets cuddle time, but sometimes it is hard to do.  She is a VERY smart little girl.  But she sees things black and white...there is NO grey area for her which makes somethings very difficult for her.  Learning these issues makes dealing with her much easier.

Amber one of my lovely 9 yr olds!  She is such a fiesty lively spirit.  She is in the 4th grade this yr and doing so well.  She is playing the violin...not my first choice in an instument, but...it will have to do.  Her violin teacher said she would not teach her how to use the bow until she could hold it correctly.  She is going to counciling and working hard on trying to figure out why she does not handle situations properly...I think the fact that her mom is a screw up and continually messes with her head would be a good reason, but...that is another blog in itself.  Amber is really good at soccer and will play agaian this winter if I am able to get her on a league.  It seems to be her "passion".

Monet...my mini me...she looks more and more like me all the time.  She is so quiet you almost forget she is around.  The only time she is loud is when someone else is messing with her otherwise...she is almost a perfect child..obviously there is no such thing and this girl woulda made a perfect only child so a house with 6 must drive her insain.  Monet finally started guitar lessons and LOVEs them.  She will be doubling up and taking lessons on Wed and Thu.  We may have a prodigy on our hands...LOL.  Monet is also very good in school.  She is so smart.  She loves to be by herself.  You usually find her off reading or playing a game alone.

Breanna is a 6th grader at Rapid City Christian....she makes me so proud.  I am also glad that we are able to give her the education that RCC has to offer.  She is very involved in school and that too makes me happy!  She is currently playing Vball and will go straight into Bball.  She is quite the athlete!  She tries very hard in school to do well and maintain.  She is a strong roll model and someone I am very proud to call my daughter.  She is so unique...LOL...not at all into the stuff I am and it is very odd cause we DO NOT agree on her many thigns like clothes etc...She is a very good big sister too!  I suppose it is hard to be around 5 younger siblings all the time and try to stay sain.

My hubby and I seem to have been having a rough patch...I think we are at the end of that...we have been getting along really well and I have been "Trying" to maintain my anger as that is my big fault and I am very quick to anger.  Mike is an amazing husband and father...yes he has his areas and his issues, but still I could NOT ask for a better man.

Sitting back thinking about my life forces me to smile...I am truely blessed and happy!

Unsure

Unsure of how I feel today.  My heart is still hurting and my face is covered in tear stained streaks.  I still do not understand why.  It makes no sence to me was I not deserving of the truth?  I feel like such an idiot for believing and trusting that we had been nothing but completely honest with eachother.  Relationships especially marriages are built on trust and honesty and to think that ours was not.  I trusted him to be honest with me, but have found out that really there was no trust there as there was only partial honesty.  I feel as if everything was based on a lie.  How can I look at him and say I believe him or that I trust him with everything in me again?  I believed for 4 yrs that he had been completely honest with me about everything.....only to find out that he had lied to me repeatedly and he had been givin many chances to tell me the truth, but he just kept lying to me.  Everything we had built our life on was nothing more than a joke.  How do I move on with him from here?  Why should I trust him?  My heart is broken and only time can mend it.....but can we make it?

Discontent

I am sitting here feeling blank.  I feel like I am living a lie.  The one person I am supposed to be able to trust has been lying to me the whole time.  I am broken and confused.  I don't know how I should feel.  I want to scream.  I want to cry.  I feel like my world has been turned upside down.  Which way do I go from here?  My heart is broken, my face is burning, and my eyes are filled with tears.  I am so lost.  Trying to make sence of it all and I cannot.  I don't know what to do or what to say.  All I know is I am hurting and I don't know how to make the pain stop.

Nothing you can say can fix it........you cannot change and take the damage away.  There is a trust that was lost and I am not sure if we can repair it.

My nights seem so long.  You're there but you feel gone.  I want to lay my head upon your chest as you wrap your arms around me and hold me close.  To listen to the beating of your heart and feel the warmth of your breath.

I feel so disconnected.  Where did we turn and go wrong?  There is no time to cuddle.  Something always goes wrong.  Sometimes I feel like this life is no longer ours, we just live together alone.  How do you fix it?  How do you mend the wounds....and repair a broken heart?

Something is amiss.  I just cannot place my finger on it.  To go back to where we started. To when things were all new. Back to a time when all we wanted was eachother.  Is there a way to fix the broken life?

So much to do!

School starts soon.  Kids are excited mom is NOT.  Summer vacation is never long enough for me.  I want my kids to myself and I do not want the school system to have them so much.  I wish I had the patience to homeschool them but I do not.....nor am I creative enough.  I do not want to give them up for the next 9 months.

Though I was looking forward to having alot of time with Ren and Brandon.  I always allow myself to get sucked back into watching kids.  I like doing it, but I also like the time with MY kids......I just do not know what to do.

Hmm.....

Let the Drama Unfold or is it Begin?

I have the most amazing wonderful Husband and Children and our life couldn't be better!  Nothing can disrupt us.......or so this is what I am thinking.  Wow I have got to stop doing that (thinking that is).  Things have been going GREAT.  The kids are doing fabulous and everything is falling into place perfectly.  We have heard NOTHING from the kids mom in months and they do not even ask about her anymore.  They Amber has started counciling and understands her mom is not healthy and that her mom is not healthy for her no matter how much she loves her mom.  Sometimes the people we love are the most emotionally detrimental to us.  She is learning this the best way an 8/9 yr old can.

She has moved on and has excepted that her mom is not around.  She has even said she feels better in her tummy not having to see her mom.  Kids can tell when things are not right or good. 

Well for the upset.....Her mom shows up out of the blue on her birthday.  She hides down the street (like a coward) and has her 11 yr old come to the door.  She knows damn well she would not have gotten to see her had she just came to the door so she sneaks like the snake she is.  She has presents for Amber's birthday.  Amber comes back in the house crying.  Ironically she doesn't ask why or when she can see her mom she asks why her mom thinks it is ok to not call or anything for months and then show up with presents like that is supposed to make her feel good.  She cried for awhile and asked why her mom was selfish and didn't think about her and Brandon and the other kids and only thought of herself and Brian.  That was a question that really has no answer at least not from our point of view....that is not something we could explain to her.

Then she said "no offense to my mom.  I love her and all, but your a much better mom than she is".  Then fell into me crying.  She asked why her mom couldn't be a good mom like me.  How do you answer that?  I do not know why this lady does not make her kids important.  Money is the only thing that really matters to her.  I have no real explanation for her.  All I could say was to pray for her.  Amber is already realizing her mom is not good.....and that her mom buys her affection.  It is really sad if you ask me.  Amber also said she wishes her mom would just leave her and Brandon alone cause all she does is confuse them.

The next day Amber asked me if you always love someone who is not good for you.  My sister replied to her (as her dad has been absent most of her life).  She said "I do not love my dad.  I do not hate my dad.  To be honest I really feel nothing for him.  He is just another person as far as I am concerned.  I do not want anything bad to happen to him, but I have no real feelings towards him."  Then Amber perks up and goes "Yeah that is how I feel.  I just didn't know how to explain it".  This poor little girl should NOT be going through all of this.  It is NOT fair to her.....mom needs to walk away until she is ready to be a healthy person in her chilrens lives.

My Life as a Mommy and Wife

So I have had the privledge of not only marrying a GREAT GUY, but also my BEST FRIEND.  We have 6 wonderful children.  He also has 2 older children that do not live with us and sadly we only get to see them in the summer.  We have the perfect combination of His, Mine and Ours....and I LOVE it, cause they are ALL mine.  Just because I didn't give birth to all of them does not mean I do not love them all the same.

Now that you have the general overview of my life....I will give you a little more insight.

My Hubby and I have been together for 4.5 yrs.  We married March 14, 2009.  One of the best moments of that night is when my son looked at me and said "Mom you look like a princess"! 

We have had many ups and downs in our relationship and I am sure with time things will come out on here....trust me it is promising cause I need somewhere to vent right?

I am 32 yrs old and a full time SAHM.  I do on occassion watch other children, but would NOT consider myself a daycare!  Our oldest is 12 and the youngest is 11m.  I am a co-sleeping, baby wearing, clothing diapering, nursing mama, and if that does not say enough....I also coach soccer!

Our life is full to say the least and we keep plenty busy with our kids.  I wouldn't have it any other way!!!