My Life

Sometimes I feel as if I am seen as nothing more than your own personal assistant.  My life and my actions must revolve first and foremost around you and what you have going on.  Even if I am focused on one of the kids I must be in tune and ready to jump for you.  I am fine so long as I either have all of the kids with me or my plans are not interfering with you.  It is like life needs to reflect and revolve around you.  Forbid you don't do something because you are doing your "Primary" job which is being a father.

I do not want the job of being a single mother.  But I feel as if I am placed into that role.  The only real difference is I have to also be responsible for another adult.  This is not what I asked for or signed up for, but this is my life.  What I want sits and waits until maybe I can kinda find the time.....oh wait that never happens.  If I do not take time to make sure everything is in place and nothing interferes with you and what you have going on then I am obviously not doing my job right.  That is not fair and I don't understand how you think it is.

The only thing in my life that makes me truly happy is the kids.  The rest of my life is just there and I feel I just exist among it all.  I do not feel as if I am a partner in my relationship.  I do not feel as if I am an equal.  I do not feels as if I count for anything.  I feel that I am here to take care of not only the kids but you and that I must always put my wants and needs last.  As much as I normal enjoy sex, I feel it is just one more thing I have to do and honestly I hate it.  It feels like just one more job I have to add to my list of things to do.

I sit and stare at this damn computer screen because it is the only escape from real life I get.  It is the only time I get to dream or feel like I am even alive anymore.  I feel like I have taken so many wrong turns in life and the only thing that feels right is when I look into my precious children's eyes or feel their hugs or hear them say I love you.  Everything else is just a hollow void needing to be filled.  Without my kids I am alone and empty........at one time you filled the that space.  At one time life was about me and about us.....and now it is about me being with the kids, taking care of the house, dinner, the schedules, the bills, your needs and wants, and whatever else may come up.  And your life is about you.....you watch what you want when you want and me and the kids better not expect any attention in the mean time, you do your thing without their being a schedule.  You are on your time, because it is not about me, the kids, or even us...it is about you.

Anytime I leave I am on a time constraint.  I have to be available to run home for a bond or whatever you have going on.  Nothing about our life is about me.  If I am gone too long I can look forward to a txt asking me how much longer or am I almost done or home.  Like I said the only time I am free to do what I want and in many cases what I need to do is if I drag a herd of children behind me because you cannot be bothered.

This is my life daily and you don't see a problem with it.....but if life interferes with you.....then we have an issue.

Well I titled this blog wild ride for a reason, but right now.....I only want off.