Regrets

Have you ever made a decision in your life that affects the whole rest of your life and then sat back down and regreted it?

I pushed Mike to get a vasectomy knowing full well I was done having kids.  Together we had 8 and did NOT need anymore.  I was positive this was the right thing to do.  He knew he did not want anymore kids (and if he didn't then he never told me).  I knew without a doubt that I was done.  I had my last little bundle of joy and ready to just move on in life with the wonderful children we already had and give them the best life possible.

Now that Mike has went through with the procedure (months ago) I am actually heart broken.  I feel we did not talk it through enough and that we made the wrong choice.  I regretted the decision shortly after it was too late to do anything about it.  I wish someone would have tried to talk me out of it or tried to tell me to stay on birth control because you never now if you will change your mind or if your feelings or life situation will change.  It is really weird, but it is like as a mom there is an innate need in me or maybe it is a want or desire, but the longing to once again be pregnant and carry a child inside of me and to look at their little face after birth....I wish I had really taken the time to think this through.....I am so angry at myself for pushing Mike forward on this.

It is my nature to nurture and love and care for such a tiny being and now knowing that will never happen again crushes me.  I look at my little one getting bigger and knowing she is my last breaks my heart.  Why do I listen to all those around me (esp on this topic).  Everyone says we have too many kids, or we didn't need another and I allow their voices to impact me and how I feel and I allow all the guilt they put upon me (even if unintentionally) to weigh on me and make what I feel now was an irrational decision.  Thinking about it now I feel the timing was especially bad because I had a new baby (she was almost a yr but still).  My hormones were not back to normal yet.  I was not even back on a regular cycle...I hadn't even had my period.  So I don't know if it was hormones then that causes me to make the decision or if it is hormones now making me think crazy.

There was nothing (except the morning sickness) that I didn't like about being pregnant.  I LOVED it.  I never grew tired of being pregnant though I did get impatient waiting to hold my new gift.  I also didn't want them born too soon.  I wanted them to stay there as long as they needed and be born when they were ready so they would be nothing less than the perfect little being God had intended them to be.  I would have loved them NO less had their been any issues afterall either way they were MINE. 

I deal with the pain and the guilt of our decision and really there is nothing I can do about it.  I am afraid to tell Mike I feel we made the wrong choice.  I am afraid of what he might say to me.  I don't know that I could handle it givin the hurt and pain I already feel from the choice we made.  What if he thought I was nuts/crazy because I could even think of wanting another one?  Could I really handle that type of verbal rejection?  Then again what if he feels the same way I do and doesn't say anything to me because I pushed for the vasectomy in the first place?  All the what ifs make my head spin.

In a perfect world we would know the right thing to do...but I sit here with all the what ifs in my head to afraid to speak.

It is not like we need to rely on anyone else to take care of our kids.  We do not enlist friends and other family members to help us.  We do not live off of the government as Mike makes good money.  We do our job ourselves and I think I make a pretty damn good mother.

I do know now however that I would NEVER encourage anyone to ever get their tubes tied be you male or female....afterall life changes, feelings change, your circumstances change....just because you feel one way now about something does NOT mean you will always feel that way.  I say stay on birthcontrol until you can no longer concieve.  You never know when you might change your mind.