Unsure

Unsure of how I feel today.  My heart is still hurting and my face is covered in tear stained streaks.  I still do not understand why.  It makes no sence to me was I not deserving of the truth?  I feel like such an idiot for believing and trusting that we had been nothing but completely honest with eachother.  Relationships especially marriages are built on trust and honesty and to think that ours was not.  I trusted him to be honest with me, but have found out that really there was no trust there as there was only partial honesty.  I feel as if everything was based on a lie.  How can I look at him and say I believe him or that I trust him with everything in me again?  I believed for 4 yrs that he had been completely honest with me about everything.....only to find out that he had lied to me repeatedly and he had been givin many chances to tell me the truth, but he just kept lying to me.  Everything we had built our life on was nothing more than a joke.  How do I move on with him from here?  Why should I trust him?  My heart is broken and only time can mend it.....but can we make it?

Discontent

I am sitting here feeling blank.  I feel like I am living a lie.  The one person I am supposed to be able to trust has been lying to me the whole time.  I am broken and confused.  I don't know how I should feel.  I want to scream.  I want to cry.  I feel like my world has been turned upside down.  Which way do I go from here?  My heart is broken, my face is burning, and my eyes are filled with tears.  I am so lost.  Trying to make sence of it all and I cannot.  I don't know what to do or what to say.  All I know is I am hurting and I don't know how to make the pain stop.

Nothing you can say can fix it........you cannot change and take the damage away.  There is a trust that was lost and I am not sure if we can repair it.

My nights seem so long.  You're there but you feel gone.  I want to lay my head upon your chest as you wrap your arms around me and hold me close.  To listen to the beating of your heart and feel the warmth of your breath.

I feel so disconnected.  Where did we turn and go wrong?  There is no time to cuddle.  Something always goes wrong.  Sometimes I feel like this life is no longer ours, we just live together alone.  How do you fix it?  How do you mend the wounds....and repair a broken heart?

Something is amiss.  I just cannot place my finger on it.  To go back to where we started. To when things were all new. Back to a time when all we wanted was eachother.  Is there a way to fix the broken life?

So much to do!

School starts soon.  Kids are excited mom is NOT.  Summer vacation is never long enough for me.  I want my kids to myself and I do not want the school system to have them so much.  I wish I had the patience to homeschool them but I do not.....nor am I creative enough.  I do not want to give them up for the next 9 months.

Though I was looking forward to having alot of time with Ren and Brandon.  I always allow myself to get sucked back into watching kids.  I like doing it, but I also like the time with MY kids......I just do not know what to do.

Hmm.....

Let the Drama Unfold or is it Begin?

I have the most amazing wonderful Husband and Children and our life couldn't be better!  Nothing can disrupt us.......or so this is what I am thinking.  Wow I have got to stop doing that (thinking that is).  Things have been going GREAT.  The kids are doing fabulous and everything is falling into place perfectly.  We have heard NOTHING from the kids mom in months and they do not even ask about her anymore.  They Amber has started counciling and understands her mom is not healthy and that her mom is not healthy for her no matter how much she loves her mom.  Sometimes the people we love are the most emotionally detrimental to us.  She is learning this the best way an 8/9 yr old can.

She has moved on and has excepted that her mom is not around.  She has even said she feels better in her tummy not having to see her mom.  Kids can tell when things are not right or good. 

Well for the upset.....Her mom shows up out of the blue on her birthday.  She hides down the street (like a coward) and has her 11 yr old come to the door.  She knows damn well she would not have gotten to see her had she just came to the door so she sneaks like the snake she is.  She has presents for Amber's birthday.  Amber comes back in the house crying.  Ironically she doesn't ask why or when she can see her mom she asks why her mom thinks it is ok to not call or anything for months and then show up with presents like that is supposed to make her feel good.  She cried for awhile and asked why her mom was selfish and didn't think about her and Brandon and the other kids and only thought of herself and Brian.  That was a question that really has no answer at least not from our point of view....that is not something we could explain to her.

Then she said "no offense to my mom.  I love her and all, but your a much better mom than she is".  Then fell into me crying.  She asked why her mom couldn't be a good mom like me.  How do you answer that?  I do not know why this lady does not make her kids important.  Money is the only thing that really matters to her.  I have no real explanation for her.  All I could say was to pray for her.  Amber is already realizing her mom is not good.....and that her mom buys her affection.  It is really sad if you ask me.  Amber also said she wishes her mom would just leave her and Brandon alone cause all she does is confuse them.

The next day Amber asked me if you always love someone who is not good for you.  My sister replied to her (as her dad has been absent most of her life).  She said "I do not love my dad.  I do not hate my dad.  To be honest I really feel nothing for him.  He is just another person as far as I am concerned.  I do not want anything bad to happen to him, but I have no real feelings towards him."  Then Amber perks up and goes "Yeah that is how I feel.  I just didn't know how to explain it".  This poor little girl should NOT be going through all of this.  It is NOT fair to her.....mom needs to walk away until she is ready to be a healthy person in her chilrens lives.

My Life as a Mommy and Wife

So I have had the privledge of not only marrying a GREAT GUY, but also my BEST FRIEND.  We have 6 wonderful children.  He also has 2 older children that do not live with us and sadly we only get to see them in the summer.  We have the perfect combination of His, Mine and Ours....and I LOVE it, cause they are ALL mine.  Just because I didn't give birth to all of them does not mean I do not love them all the same.

Now that you have the general overview of my life....I will give you a little more insight.

My Hubby and I have been together for 4.5 yrs.  We married March 14, 2009.  One of the best moments of that night is when my son looked at me and said "Mom you look like a princess"! 

We have had many ups and downs in our relationship and I am sure with time things will come out on here....trust me it is promising cause I need somewhere to vent right?

I am 32 yrs old and a full time SAHM.  I do on occassion watch other children, but would NOT consider myself a daycare!  Our oldest is 12 and the youngest is 11m.  I am a co-sleeping, baby wearing, clothing diapering, nursing mama, and if that does not say enough....I also coach soccer!

Our life is full to say the least and we keep plenty busy with our kids.  I wouldn't have it any other way!!!