Meal Planning on a Budget

So I just planned out my meals for the next 5 days and went grocery shopping for everything on it.  I spent $118 on groceries.  I got pumpkin spice oatmeal, a Gatorade, and blackberries that were not on my list so I feel I did really well.  This will feed my family and my daycare for 5 days.  When you stop to think that is approx 20 people with at least 15 eating each meal...that is pretty dang good. I am super excited to see what kind of grocery bill I can create for the next 2 weeks and how much it will cost me.  I am going to do at least 10 freezer meals and 5 non freezer meals.  If I am really thrifty I will do 15 freezer meal kits and 5 non freezer meals.  I will blog about it when I am done ;)

Moving forward with another school year.

I am sitting here with renewed excitement.  We traded in our Honda Odyssey for an accord.  I know to many that will seem stupid as we have 6 kids and an accord will not seat us all.  Reality is we rarely if ever go anywhere together as a family that we do not take 2 vehicles.  We now have an 18 yr old driver and a 15 yr old driver. We also have a 15 passenger van that I drive primarily due to doing daycare.  If we all go as a family and do not take 2 cars we can very easily take Big Red.  Yes I know the think scares the crap out of me as far as attempting to park in crowded parking lots, but I will survive.  We will be saving over $200 a month on the swap.  My goal is to continue paying that $200 a month since we have it budgeted anyways.  Now I will not pay it on the accord, but we will be adding it to our snowball.  We will put it on the lowest debt first and lower them accordingly. 

I am also excited about the fact that I can envision exactly what I want my daycare rooms and layout to look like.  I am excited to have the funds to do the projects I am needing to do.  I cannot wait to paint the rooms and get them ready.  I am hoping to have them done by Nov 1, 2016.  I always seem to have lofty goals with no help and well running a 24 hr daycare with no help really leaves me no time. Preschool will be starting up again soon and I am excited for the every changing growth we experience during this time.  Some kids just take off with it while others sit back and soak it all in.

The 3rd thing that has me screaming from the inside is that I am finally getting things organized.  My living room (primary daycare room) has been cleaned and organized for going on 2 weeks.  We keep it cleaned up, swept, and mopped.  It is looking rather amazing if I do say so myself.  I have moved onto the dining room.  It is also coming along.  Yes much slower but still getting there.  I have been going through all the papers and things that just collect in this room.  I am still in need of all my "office supplies" to continue the organization process, but I will get there one step at a time.

I have 4 kids in one school this year and I can already see the benefits it will have on my time.  I have been getting up and getting breakfast for them in the morning.  They have been able to eat something other than cereal before heading out for the day. Monet is driving this year so that alone is such a huge relief.  She is able to take them all to school so I can attend to the things I need to do here at home.  I have been trying to get on a schedule/routine that allows things to be less chaotic and more organized.  So far this seems to be helping.  I set a list of tasks I would like to accomplish during the day and use meals and nap to work on them.  I have been getting up with the kids in the morning and staying awake which really gives me extra time to work on things before my daycare gets busy.

Next week Serenadi starts school out at Calvary.  This should be a good year.  I still have my reservations on homeschooling this child and think it may be something to look into in the near future, but I think an extra year in school will be good for her.  I am trying now to figure out how to get everything worked out as far as being able to take her to school, pick her up, and also pick up one daycare child.  We always have time to tweek it if things do not work.  I feel guilty for not keeping her home this year...but I just do not feel confident that the time is right.  And it may may never be right.  We will know with God's guidance. 

So here is to another busy school year and hopefully a fun successful year of daycare!  God gets the Glory for all life has to offer and I am expecting to see great things!

Failure

Failure

That is how I feel today.....I had a goal of paying off debt, but my addiction to shopping and spending money on my kids got in the way.  My original goal was $25000.  The goal my mom and a friend got was $100,000.  Well I am only a couple thousand dollars from where I started 7 months ago.  I have failed to be diligent in my quest for becoming debt free.

My eyes are bigger than my bank account so I charge to my credit cards if I have it available.  I have a hard time leaving it alone when I see something I think I have to have.  Using cash is hard when I do not have enough.  Learning patients is not easy.  So right now I do not see how to eliminate enough debt to even come close to the $25000 goal I originally posted.  My greed got in the way.

I am trying again.  In reality I did not fail, I found out what does NOT work for me.  Keeping credit cards on me is not an option for me.  Keeping credit cards on Michael does not work for him.  So now we buckle down and try again.  We push harder this time and push farther than before!  I know we can do this....we both just have to want it bad enough to make it work.

My Debt plan just blew up!

So God is doing some major work in my life.  This is both very exciting and very scary.  To make it worse I do not know how on board my husband is with the whole thing and that scares me.  

I made a debt thermometer and posted a number that was a reach, but pretty likely obtainable ($25,000).  In the back of my head I had a larger number ($30,000) I had not spoke this number to my husband as he wouldn't be able to feel it or see it. Yet God was speaking to me of an even larger number ($48,000).  My mom and I were talking and she felt got was telling her I am supposed to pay off $100,000 in debt.  I do not see this without God.  In no way can I fathom that number.

Well I am a very analytical person.  I analyze everything over and over again especially when I cannot see the probability of it.  I know we serve a mighty God, but I will be honest that number scares me.  We do NOT have a 6 figure income how are we going to pay off 6 figures?  Well I may not see it, but God does so I will put my trust in him.

This last week I have been feeling we are supposed to sell our van.  I am not sure if this is me (trying to figure out what God is doing) or if this is from God.  I asked a friend how do I know if something is me being analytical or if it is from God?  His reply was that I was asking an analytical person who has back up plans for his back up plans so he had no idea, but how was I planning to pay of $100,000 in debt?  I froze.  I had not shared that number with anyone at all.....that number was between mom, God, and myself.  I looked at him and asked where he got that number?  To which he replied that is what came to mind....I take that as confirmation, but that is still a VERY scary thought.  $100,000 I honestly do not see it....I can't even imagine how.  I am trying hard here to believe it.

I really truly do know and believe God can do it.  He is the almighty who can do anything.  I am excited to watch this year unfold.  I am excited to see my husband grow in his faith.  This year is going to be exciting.

How I am going to pay off $25000 in 2016

Debt Payoff

So as we close out 2016 I have decided I want to be more aggressive with our debt.  After all we are not getting any younger.  I would like to think very optimistically and say I want to be debt free by the time I am 40, but I do not know how realistic that is.  Right now we are sitting with a debt payoff date of 9/2020.  So to be debt free minus the house isn't bad for the next 4.5 yrs right?  WRONG!  I do not want to still be paying debt off when my 14 yr olds are out of school.  I want to do it before they are out of school.

Right now we are approx $118,000 in debt minus our house and we still have kids to buy cars for. That in and of itself is a scary daunting thought.  And realistically in 4.5 yrs I will no longer NEED mini van as I will only have 3 children left at home and 2 of them will be teens the oldest of them nearing graduation.  I want to be FREE well before then.

So how do I plan to do that?  First I plan to add everything I make doing daycare to debt on a monthly basis.  Some months that will be more some months that will be less, but non the less that is my first order of business.  So on top of regular monthly payments that is approximately an additional $400 going to debt (yeah not as much as I would like).  I also plan to snowball our funds.  When we pay off a debt add that payment to the next and so on and so forth until we have no more debt.  My husband thinks my goal of $25,000 is high.  I think it is low and that I need to figure out how to be more aggressive.  I would LOVE to see that number jump easily to $30,000.  

Now for my actual plan....I do not want to spend money we do not need to spend.  We are a family of 9 and easily could spend everything extra on going out to eat and other things.  First no going out to eat, 2nd no gas station food if not traveling, 3rd I need to stay off of eBay as a buyer and only use it for selling.  I also need to figure out how to follow our budget better :)  Sounds easy enough right?  For us maybe not so much.  I have started by eliminating my cell phone, even if only for 6 months that along with the iPad being paid off is an extra $80 a month to put on debt.  So add that $480 to the $4800 I am planning and I have an extra $5280 a year.  Without the assistance of extra money we are already on track to pay off $20,000 in debt (see why I think $25,000 is a weak goal).

I also believe we need to go back to using cash for EVERYTHING we do not need to pay out of our account cause saving change is a fast way to build up extra money.  

I am also going to update regularly to hold myself accountable and state what we did or did not do to help our gains and our fails.  So here is wishing us luck to a HUGH decline in debt for 2016!

Homeschooling

So we have decided to send Brandon to school at Grandview.  I am not 100% sure what I think if this.  I am feeling a little uneasy in my stomach at the thought.  I am starting to question if I am doing the right thing or if I once again and doing my thing.  I am afraid I may have fallen upon deaf ears and ignored God's call for us right now for a matter of connivance.  I am worried I may be doing the wrong thing and not trusting in God.

Dear Lord,
     Please let me know if I am doing your will or mine.  Please help me to know and to do the right thing.  I know he wants to go to school with classmates, but if that is NOT what you want please help me know so I am able to do YOUR will.  Please once again I am asking you to be OBVIOUS in your direction on my life and my sons education.  Help show Mike what we are to do as well.....I really do want to follow your lead!  Was Brandon getting accepted into Grandview a test and did we fail?

     Please just show me one final time in Jesus Name....Amen!


Well getting Brandon into Grandview did not work out.  He homeschooled for 4 months then my grandma fell ill and I had to put him in school due to caring for her.  He has done amazing!

Back Burner

Operation Organization took a little bit of a break.  We went on vacation and then had only a couple days before school started.  I wanted to enjoy those days with my children instead of working on my organizing.

Tomorrow I am gonna get back to organizing my house and my life!  I am still excited to get this process going.  One thing that will make life easier for us as a family is FREEZER MEALS!  Yes that is correct Freezer Meals.  Not only will they save me time in the long run, but they will help a lot when it comes to having to cook and find time for homework or sports.    I spent part of the day today preparing meals.   I have 6 meals frozen and the 7th went into the crock pot for dinner tonight.  Yes we had our first unfroze freezer meal today and it was fantastic....Even my Monet ate it.  Mo does not eat anything so this says a lot.

I bought each child a hamper and I plan to wash each child's clothing separately and see if that makes laundry easier.  I really cannot imagine it won't help in some form.  I bought baskets as well to put their clothing into so they can bring it to their room put it away and return my basket.  So far only my sons room is complete, but I am headed onto Ren's room and that shouldn't take much longer.

My kitchen is a crazy mess.  Well partially because I have spent the day in their making meals to get us through most of the month.  I am hoping by Wednesday I can get to the kitchen and get it organized.  That will be a process in and of itself as I need to go through ALL of the cupboards and get them organized.  I need to scrub down the cupboards, fridge and stove.  Then I need to go through our bakers rack and organize that again as well.  My kitchen is a horrible mess of ugliness so even when it is clean it feels grimy to me.

Life in a nutshell is crazy....and I love it!

Following his lead

Am I insane?  Have I gone completely off the deep end?  I feel I am being led to home school Brandon, but everything about it scares me.  Do not get me wrong it intrigues me as well, but seriously...It scares the daylights out of me.  What if I fail?  What if God is not calling me to be my son's teacher...what if this is all me and I am turning a deaf ear to what I am being told?  I am truly scared of making a mistake.  Children are so impressionable what if....Then I think if this is from God he will not let me fail my son.  He will give me the tools and guidance to do right by him.  He will show me how to be a good teacher as well as mother to him.  I CAN do this.  One of my biggest reasons I believe with everything in me that this is God's calling on my life is I have NEVER been for homeschooling. I have been looking forward to having my next 2 yrs alone with Ren.  And there are a multitude of other signs...my husband in agreement with me (which is a biggie).

Though now that I have decided to take on this task part of me is sad.  I have wanted this time with Ren since she was born.  I finally have it and feel like I am giving it up.  Yes I will still be home with her, but it will not be just her.  I am feeling a bit resentful that God has changed my plans.  I believe God has a reason for all he does in our lives.  He will make things work.

As crazy as things are I am putting my trust in God.  I will continue to pray about God's direction for my life.  I will pray for wisdom, knowledge and a patient heart.  I will pray for God to show me his way and to give me strength.  I will pray I am following his will and not my own desires.  For he is my strength.

Right now I have a darling 3 yr old birthday girl wanting my attention and guess what....I am gonna give it to her gladly <3 font="font">

Day 1 Operation Organization Success

Yes I know I am rather odd.....I am writing in Green because I organized my first room today and it just so happens to be GREEN :)  I cleaned my sons room though I have not yet emptied his car table it has all the books on it that need to find a home.  He has shelves in his closet that we turned into a drawer-less dresser and under the bottom shelf we put a cute little wagon for a dirty clothes hamper.  We also have coordinating cloth baskets for socks, underwear, and pj's.

 

I think it looks pretty neato if I do say so myself and he LOVES it!  Granted his bed does have a dresser in it as it is a junior loft, but we put summer clothes in that to help him keep organized (or so I hope).  I will have to add a picture of the rest of his room at a later date as he is sleeping and I do not have one on my phone.

When you look at the whole of the day I feel pretty accomplished as I got my son's room in order and I cleaned out the basement fridge.  I also reorganized it which there is not much in it so that was pretty easy.  I am also going to organize their snacks in that fridge.  

I am really excited to continue with this project to get my life under control.  Right now not even fly lady can give me a solution that will work for me.  I am just glad I am able to start getting things in order.  The sad part is that I go on vacation Saturday for 5 days.  Normally this would be fantastic, but....it will only spur the procrastinator in me....after all procrastination and I are on regular speaking terms.  I have several things that need to make it to this fridge that are not there yet, but soon very soon this will be the "extras" fridge and the "snack" fridge.  

The final thing we were able to accomplish today was going through all of Monet's clothing.  We have everything that is to small for her out of her closet and her dresser and ready to either freecycle or sell.  Two children down (we did Brandon's as we organized his room) and and 4 more to go.  The reason I picked Monet to do today was her dresser is in Brandon's room for right now.

I have all sorts of fun tricks I cannot wait to get going, but one day at a time, one post at a time, and one idea....and it will all come together soon enough....or at least this is my hope!

Tomorrow is my kitchen and the fridge in that room.  I am gonna save the cupboards until after vacation because that is entirely too much to tackle in one day.  I want to get this done the right way....I need to do it the right way.  Overwhelming myself is NOT that way.  It felt good to get my kids involved to.  Normally they give me so much grief about helping that I get sick of listening to it and today they were rather helpful :)

Well now that I am done with another boring update I think it is time to fold the towels and go to bed!  I could possibly be in bed by 11PM.  That is pretty exciting at least to me it is!

OPERATION ORGANIZATION

It has been forever since I have taken time to blog....I guess you could say that life has been a little on the "WILD" side or in most cases hectic.

Having 6 kids needs a plan.  I am NOT good at planning.  I am more of a wing it type of girl.  I am also finding out this is NOT working for me.  I need to do something different.  As our kids get older life gets a little more crazy and seems to spin a little more out of control.

There are several things I would like to do to make this journey a little less chaotic and a little more fun.  So every few days I am hoping to update with how my journey is going.....

I have decided that I am on a mission.  A mission to get things organized and under control.  I call this "OPERATION ORGANIZATION"!  This has been a LONG time coming and I am still not exactly sure how this is going to happen.  Right now I am gonna take it 1 day, 1 room at a time and see what happens.  

Right now my entryway in shambles at the moment and everything is in my living room.  That does make this project a little more difficult as I would like to start at the front of my house and work my way to the back, but...since that is NOT an option I am starting in my sons room.  The goal is to completely empty out his room and go from there.  So far all of his toys have made it into a box.  I am clearing it out and making room (funny huh) for OPERATION ORGANIZATION.  

Yeah me and organized never seemed to have gotten along in the past. Wish me luck!  I wasn't smart enough to take before pics of my sons room, but with any luck I will take after and post them...Hoping this all works out.

Hmmm...I am not sure what day I am on...so I will pick 8

I am not 100% sure where I left off so I am starting with Day 8 because I didn't do anything past day 8.  Tonight I am tired and worn out from a wk with a sick baby so I didn't get any further ahead, but I also didn't really fall behind.

 Here are the pics that I promised the other day that wouldn't come out!  Enjoy my clean bathroom like I do...except a finished bath would be nice :)

Day 5 Swish and Swipe

I know the run down of how I am coming on my house is not everyone's ideal of a "good read", but this is helping me stay accountable to myself and it is keeping me on track to a cleaner more organized house.  Though I am adapting flylady to my needs it is working rather well for me.

I took her Swish and Swipe and turned it into my version of "Shine the Sink".  I did a very through cleaning in my bathroom (well the best I could givin it is under construction).



Well I tried to add pics, but it decided not to let me...Sorry :( 

Now I have a clean living room, entry way, bathroom, dining room and kitchen....they all need some help, but they are definately looking better!

Day 3 Mission House Clean/ Day 4

Well I didn't do anything but keep doing what I had already done for day 3.  It was the day we chose to celebrate Mo's birthday.  We did a tie-dye birthday party and we had alot of fun!!  14 kids doing t-shirts what more could you ask for :).  Really though it went very well and they had a blast!

So Day 4 was more or less just orgainizing in the kitchen.  I went and bought more "organization" items.  I am super excited to say I think (if my plan works out) that I am gonna paint my kitchen...I am really excited about this.  This will probably not be until we can open the windows in the house while painting.  My entry is getting clogged up with the kids stuff again, need to have them fix that.  Also my kitchen is staying clean as is my living room.  I did laundry today and my table shows it.  I would have had it all done, but I was interupted due to my husbands work.  I am super excited to say this seems to be working for me.  YAY!

Day 2 of my 31 Days DONE!

Day 2 of Babysteps...Flylady says "Get dressed all the way up to lace up shoes".  Some might say this is rather odd, but I find it to actually be a good thing.  I do this everyday anyways.  That way you are always ready and presentable and not in your pj's house coat and slippers....so you can't "answer" the door when the UPS guy shows up.  She suggests putting on your make-up because the better you look the better you feel even if NO ONE is gonna see you...I cannot say make-up did any more for me than not wearing make-up though....I always seem to wear it on Saturdays.

My Living Room has looked ok for several days now minus my entertainment center....but we are in the middle of a bathroom make-over and tooth brushes and all the likes are on the entertainment center for the time being...fun.  Though I am happy with the way the room looks overall.

So My Beautiful 10 yr old is having her Birthday Party tomorrow....and I did what I normally do...and that is find a box or boxes that will hold all my junk...and PACK.  I didn't want to do it that way, but my dining room is my "hotspot" according to Flylady...more so my dining room table than anything.  I figure I got these rooms done...now the family NEEDS to help keep them that way.  There is NO reason for them to get messy again.  Even though it was a "Rush" job and I now have boxes to go through at least it is clean and I don't mind having a Birthday Party at MY house.  The Dining Room has some room for improvement, but I am happy with it.

Oh don't mind the table...it has the "needed" items for the party already sitting on it...and clothes I cannot put away because the owner of them is already sleeping.  Once again I am feeling very accomplished.

Shine the Sink

OK so I have done my Day 1.  Though it was a rough morning getting it just right it is finally done.  I shoulda taken a before, but I didn't.  No one woulda wanted to see it anyways...or maybe it is I wouldn't have wanted to show it?!?!  Probably the later, but you get my point.

I didn't think shining the sink would make me feel accomplished, but all in all it really does.  I feel like I did something....I also did a 15 minute power clean and managed to get my entryway done :)  I also enlisted Breanna's help and bagged all the laundry (we sorted it as we went).  So I also have a clean basement floor too.  I really feel like I did something today.  I almost feel like patting my own back.

Aside from needing a Kitchen remodel to get out of the 70's I am pretty proud of how my kitchen looks!  Thanks Katie and Thanks Fly Lady.

Oh and we cannot forget my awesome 15 min power clean in the entryway (ok so it took 20 min)

31 Days to Regain Control of MY House

I am so tired of never feeling like there are enough hrs in a day to accomplish all the things I need to get done.  I am always somewhere but NEVER anywhere.  This role in my life is driving me crazy.  I look at the house and it is total Chaos (Can't have anyone over syndrome).  I am tired of it.  I want to host game night at my house, I want to invite friends over for dinner, I want to have back yard bbq's....I have a whole list of wants....and they all revolve around a clean house.  My house did not get messy overnight and it most certainly is not gonna get clean in one day.  I need to do this in steps so can change my habits and patterns in my daily life. 

I have decided that I am gonna  conquer it a little at a time...today as flylady suggests I am gonna shine my sink.  I am gonna get all those dishes done and I am gonna scrub my sink clean.  After my sink is clean I am done for the day (ok I have laundry) but I am truely gonna follow flylady's suggestions to getting in my life in order 1 day at a time and NOT allowing it to overwhelm me.

BabySteps to a cleaner home!
Day 1 Shine your sink!!!  That is exactly what I plan to do.  This is supposed to be a reflection that I love myself.  I haven't figured it out yet as I HATE doing dishes, but hey what can it hurt right.

Well here goes day 1 jumpin in head first!  Wish me luck!!!

My Life as a Mommy and Wife pt 2

So I sit here hating my life at the moment.....yeah I seem to be up and down lately.  I feel like a single mom only I have the luxery of being a stay at home mom to my 6 wonderful children.  Where the stress comes in is my Usually wonderful husband doesn't feel the need to put his family first (in my eyes).  He feels he is putting his family first because he works to support the household and allow us the freedoms and luxeries we have.  Ok he works 5 hrs a day MAYBE.  On a busy day he is going non stop and yet other days he may not work but an hr....and this is 7 days a wk.  Heck we have even had weeks where he has had a day or 2 with NO work at all....but the need to be involved at home NEVER occures to him.

We have 6 kids between 3 schools.  I spend 2 days a wk at the counciler with 2 of the kids.  Well each goes once.  We deal with anger and depression among many other things.  To do this running takes approx 2 hrs out of any type of schedule I could possibly have.  We have one who recantly we need to device a whole new meal plan for him...this ought to be fun.  No red dye and no sugars....it is very hard to find anything that does NOT contain one of those two ingrediants.  I have laundry and house cleaning, dishes and you name it to do for 6 in the house...this is on top of the fact that I do the grocery shopping, pay the bills, and well literally ANYTHING that does not involve Mike's work... I do it.  I take the kids shopping when needed I take them to bday parties anything that comes up I am the one who does it.  I am on a time limit with everything I do.  I can be out trying to find something one of the kids needs and I just might get a call from Mike asking when I am gonna be home cause he has a call and needs to leave.   I can never just do anything that needs to be done.

Today prime example....I need to go shopping for Brandon and I need to get some storage containers.  I asked Mike at 11 am if he was busy cause I had stuff that I needed to do and Ren needed her nap.  He said he was waiting on a call and he was gonna need to head up to Sturgis.  Well I fed the kids lunch and attempted to do the running that needed to be done....yeah what fun Ren was a complete pain in the butt and made the whole thing miserable so I just went back home...accomplishing NOTHING and guess what it is 3 pm and Mike still has NOT received his phone call 4 hrs later and I couldn't go do what I needed to because he might have to work.  I could have done what I needed to do, Ren could have had her nap and I could still have taken Brandon and Ren with me to get the girls from school...but of course instead NOTHING gets done because....Mike's clients come first.  How fucking rediculas.  I get tired of putting my life on hold for his work.  He never says NO and he never puts me and the kids first....when is he gonna learn that MONEY does NOT make his family happy his time does.  I should NOT have a schedule 100% of the time I leave the house.  He can tell his clients NO or ask them to wait.  We will not die if we lose one call.

He couldn't tell you anything that goes on with the kids because he is not involved.  He knows nothing of what goes on at counciling.  He couldn't tell you anything about Brandon's new diet.  He does not pay any attention to anything that goes on with US but he can tell you the life fucking stories of those he deals with for work.  Really fucked up if you ask me.  I can tell him things until I am blue in the face and 5 min later he won't have a damn clue what I told him no matter how important what I told him is.

Another example I was mad at him for screwing up my day once again...he asked me to help him clean.  I said no so he sat in a chair and fell asleep.  He will not do anything on his own though I clean all the time while he sits on his butt watching tv, playing with his phone, or at the computer. 

There is NOTHING about our Marriage that is a marriage.  The really sad part is I am not here for us anymore.  I feel no connection to him.  I am only here as to not destroy the lives of 6 kids.  I feel no physical attraction.  I have no interest in sex...it is just one more "job" to do.  I don't even really fully enjoy it when we do have sex.  Part of me is asking in my head if it's over yet.  All I want to do when I go to bed is sleep.  I don't want to make time for small talk, touching, cuddling or anything else that follows in the bed...I don't even want to be touched when I am awake let alone in bed.  I feel like I am just going through the motions and if something doesn't give then I need to leave.  This is not fair to me or to him.....but I am falling out of love and I hate my life.  I used to get all giddy thinging about him and us and our family and life and now all I feel is blank and empty.

I don't feel like a wife.  I feel like I am nothing more than a caregiver to the children, someone to tend to everything else, and a warm body in the bed.  I don't want his money.  I just want to be happy and this is not doing it because he lives his life around what makes him money and not his kids or his wife.  How do I fix it before it's too late?

Hot Topic

So I sit here and think about all the things that irritate me and you know what?!  It really doesn't matter....no one cares about how I feel or what I think they only really take time to think about them and how what I think or how I feel about something only really inconveniences them.  Though they would not word it that way much less admit any of it is true.  What I think and how I feel only really matters if they are not feeling put out.

I have never allowed smoking in my house or my vehicles, but for some reason my husband thinks that it is ok to smoke in the car because it is too damn cold to smoke outside....well my opinion is if it is too damn cold to stand outside go without!  You do not need to smoke bad enough to endanger MY children!  Nothing pisses me off more than to put my kids into my vehicle and have it have been smoked in.

Then to make matters worse someone felt the need to smoke in the basement bathroom and I guess they figured that the fan would pull it outside...hm forgetting that the fan and dryer are vented through the same vent.  So now my dryer smells of stupid smoke and so did all the clothes I dried....I guess me and the kids don't matter because what we want and what is good for us health wise is an inconvenience to them.  Their "need" to smoke is more important than us.  And NO I am not being over dramatic because not intentionally subjecting us to their smoke should be a higher priority than whether or not they can smoke in the house.

I am not a smoker, I cannot stand smoking, but if you smoke fine just have respect for those of us who don't.  My house should be the one place I can go to get away from it and NOT have to deal with it.  If I go to a smoking establishment then that is my choice to subject myself to smoke.  If I go to someones house who smokes again my choice....being in a smoke free environment in the confines of my own home should also be my choice.  But my choice gets taken away by the selfishness of a smoker...who only thinks about themselves and what they want and how doing what I want and ask of them is an inconvenience to them.

Regrets

Have you ever made a decision in your life that affects the whole rest of your life and then sat back down and regreted it?

I pushed Mike to get a vasectomy knowing full well I was done having kids.  Together we had 8 and did NOT need anymore.  I was positive this was the right thing to do.  He knew he did not want anymore kids (and if he didn't then he never told me).  I knew without a doubt that I was done.  I had my last little bundle of joy and ready to just move on in life with the wonderful children we already had and give them the best life possible.

Now that Mike has went through with the procedure (months ago) I am actually heart broken.  I feel we did not talk it through enough and that we made the wrong choice.  I regretted the decision shortly after it was too late to do anything about it.  I wish someone would have tried to talk me out of it or tried to tell me to stay on birth control because you never now if you will change your mind or if your feelings or life situation will change.  It is really weird, but it is like as a mom there is an innate need in me or maybe it is a want or desire, but the longing to once again be pregnant and carry a child inside of me and to look at their little face after birth....I wish I had really taken the time to think this through.....I am so angry at myself for pushing Mike forward on this.

It is my nature to nurture and love and care for such a tiny being and now knowing that will never happen again crushes me.  I look at my little one getting bigger and knowing she is my last breaks my heart.  Why do I listen to all those around me (esp on this topic).  Everyone says we have too many kids, or we didn't need another and I allow their voices to impact me and how I feel and I allow all the guilt they put upon me (even if unintentionally) to weigh on me and make what I feel now was an irrational decision.  Thinking about it now I feel the timing was especially bad because I had a new baby (she was almost a yr but still).  My hormones were not back to normal yet.  I was not even back on a regular cycle...I hadn't even had my period.  So I don't know if it was hormones then that causes me to make the decision or if it is hormones now making me think crazy.

There was nothing (except the morning sickness) that I didn't like about being pregnant.  I LOVED it.  I never grew tired of being pregnant though I did get impatient waiting to hold my new gift.  I also didn't want them born too soon.  I wanted them to stay there as long as they needed and be born when they were ready so they would be nothing less than the perfect little being God had intended them to be.  I would have loved them NO less had their been any issues afterall either way they were MINE. 

I deal with the pain and the guilt of our decision and really there is nothing I can do about it.  I am afraid to tell Mike I feel we made the wrong choice.  I am afraid of what he might say to me.  I don't know that I could handle it givin the hurt and pain I already feel from the choice we made.  What if he thought I was nuts/crazy because I could even think of wanting another one?  Could I really handle that type of verbal rejection?  Then again what if he feels the same way I do and doesn't say anything to me because I pushed for the vasectomy in the first place?  All the what ifs make my head spin.

In a perfect world we would know the right thing to do...but I sit here with all the what ifs in my head to afraid to speak.

It is not like we need to rely on anyone else to take care of our kids.  We do not enlist friends and other family members to help us.  We do not live off of the government as Mike makes good money.  We do our job ourselves and I think I make a pretty damn good mother.

I do know now however that I would NEVER encourage anyone to ever get their tubes tied be you male or female....afterall life changes, feelings change, your circumstances change....just because you feel one way now about something does NOT mean you will always feel that way.  I say stay on birthcontrol until you can no longer concieve.  You never know when you might change your mind.

Falling together!

As I sit here trying to decide what it is I want to right today I feel lost.  I feel the urge to write/blog, but I really have nothing.......so I sit, and I wait....and think about all the crazy happenings in my life....and I ponder and think some more about all the love in my life.

This is where I smile because I know my life is complete!  Even amoung all the crazy topsy tervy backspins and flip flops I know I am the happiest mother and wife alive!  We have our moments and our issues, but I could not really ask for anything else in this life!  I have an amazing husband, wonderful children, a great family and an AWESOME GOD who saw fit to give it all to me.  I have to put my trust in him and know he knew what he was doing when he entrusted me with these 6 little lives and when he place my husband and I together.  He knew we both needed to work on who we were to become better people and he knows together we can figure it out....but we NEED his help.  We cannot do this on our own....

I am trying to find my place.  I know that sounds funny esp coming from me.  But right now I am feeling a bit out of sorts.  I love being a stay at home mom and I am the happiest I have ever been.  I do not have to worry about anyone or anything outside of my family and that is the best feeling in the world.  Though I find myself wanting to be there for those who have always depended on me in the past.  I find it hard to let go fully, but know I need to.  My husband and my children come first and in order to be who and what they need I need to let all else go.

Like I said trying to find my place and in some cases my groove....I look around and know that this is what I should be doing.  I need to get our lives back on track and put back in order.  Nothing makes me happier than getting to play with my lil girl and know that I will get no outside interuptions if I don't want them.  She can have my full undivided attention and I LOVE it.  I like knowing that at night my other 5 children are not competing with anyone else for my love and attention, it is just them. 

Things seem so much quieter and more peaceful.  We finally have a grip on us....Now onto the organization...I cannot seem to find it.  The house is coming along great one moment, but I find it so easy to slack off.  I need to get things in order so things feel more peaceful! 

I have the most wonderful, supportive, loving, patient and kind husband anyone could ask for.  He is my rock and my shoulder for comfort.  I know with everything in me that we are a part of God's ultimate plan and that he put us together for a reason.  I know he entrusted these 6 little miracles to us because he knew not only did they need us, but we needed them!

My life is so full and complete!  I look into the eyes of my children and I know I am where God wants me to be....I also know he wants me to be the best mom and wife I can be too!  This is where my strength in him needs to come in so I can be who he intended me to be, it is a growing and learning process....and boy do I have alot to learn!